I stubbed my toe on Kylie’s book bag and that’s what woke her up. Between gasping and trying not to speak, trying not to moan, to cry, Kylie’s eyes rolled behind her eyelids anyway. Dust sparkled in the air as she turned around on her back. Propping her hands behind her head, turning towards me, yet refusing to open her eyes-‘it’s not yet sunlight..not until the blinds are open’ she’d say.
“You don’t have to make me breakfast Aana.” She smiled as if she knew my every thought, my every breath. “Atleast…” Kylie added, opening her eyes now slightly, cracking open the endless sea of blue “take me with you.”
I knelt down and felt her breath now on my wrist. “You’re not even wearing a shirt. how could i ever-“
“Give me your shirt.” She smiled again, her eyes now wide open and flickering towards me.
“It will be too big”…i trailed off, my head dropped. My black hair fell around me like a cloak. Kylie was beautiful. She was blond, with piercing blue eyes, luxurious curls, and small features—even her waist was a small. I on the other hand had not been lucky to be born as Kylie’s sister. My hair was dark and brushed my shoulder blades lightly. My eyes were big and encompassed with dark lines around their rims. Kylie liked to call them ‘anime’ eyes because she claimed that ‘their size and beauty surpassed that of normality’…but mostly, i was a medium and hard to fit. Medium tops and skirts for my waist and torso, yet large for my hips. Her slim, same-sized body gained her more attention with boys, yet Kylie said i had been blessed with curves—the thing that men loved.
“You should wear tighter clothes.” Kylie whispered, almost as if in response to my thoughts. “Let me dress you, let me do your hair—” She pleaded, her daily question that had now grown familiar. “You’re so beautiful. I wish you could just see…”
I put my hands on Kylie’s hands. Her liquid blue eyes stared into my smoldering dark brown eyes. My lips parted, my breath materialized before us, physically we had slept in the cold, but subconsciously we would never feel it. Finally i chuckled, “Just let me go and make breakfast before everyone-“
“Aana..” Kylie cut me off yet again. She clutched my hand tighter, her fingers laced between mines, our skin creating a beautiful contrast— brown soil and pure milk…”Aana..” she repeated, “…Go get ready.”
“Ye. I was but you-“
“No, no silly.” Kylie smiled, clutching yet again, clinging almost..”Not for breakfast. I want you to meet a friend. A boy.” She giggled.
My eyes rolled and snatched my hands back to cover my face.
“Now, now Aana it’ll be fine. Please. We’re going to go. Just get ready. No fuss this time now, huh?” Kylie pleaded, hoping really that i’d agree.
“I’m not..good with guys…They all hate me..you see how i get rejected..what makes you think that this boy will think i’m as pretty as you…” I pleaded back, tears now filling my eyes as i fight to keep them from penetrating their dark brims, and rushing down my cheeks.
Kylie pressed her hands to my cheek. “You are so beautiful Aana…”
And that was it, it was decided that i’d go.
I had showered and had dressed in the clothes that Kylie had placed on the bed for me from my closet. I stared at the gray leather highwaisted skirt and my suede black heals and wondered how she had found them buried, purposely, by the anxiety of self-esteem. Then i remember her rummaging through my closet the month before my birthday, mumbling something feverishly below her breath:
a time will come where everything will fall into place. the purpose of high-waisted skirts and low cut shirts are for girls like you to wear them. Girls like me with small breasts, with bodies straight up and down—we were simply not meant to accentuate any womanly aspects. a tiny waist, a full bosom: these are only yet a few facets of your beauty. use them to your advantage Aana…
and so i suppose that that time had come and so i struggled putting on my stockings—wishing they were skinny jeans, i wore the skirt that bore my legs, the thighs that Kylie’s brother said were ‘nice’ and i waited for Kylie to finish her makeup, to drag me through the street and down to some awkward place that would leave me crying in the end~most inevitably.
Kylie emerged from the bathroom, black eyeliner perfectly drawn around her beautiful river eyes, blush smeared lightly on her cheeks, eye shadow faintly yet dramatically decorating her lids.
“Should i have some too?” I questioned, fingering a lip gloss that she had left on the bed next to my shirt.
“Your eyes are already naturally lined, your eyelids have a natural shadowy black on them, your skin is smooth and brown and need not be altered by blush…Makeup is nice Aana—but not for everyone. And,” she said taking chapstick out of her purse and handing it to me “Use this instead. Your lips are already pink and are, frankly, too small and delicate for color. You only want to lightly gloss them with a clear color, just to highlight your natural hues…”
I starred at Kylie, speechless, now completely afraid of her intentions, of her plans, of this boy she spoke so highly of. Sensing my fear, Kylie smiled gently and smoothed a tiny bit of chapstick on my lips, capped it, and now grabbed her scrunchy. Taking my hair she fingered through it slowly, piling it on top of my head and creating a messy bun. “Everything i do is for a reason Aana. Trust me. I know what i’m doing.” She pleaded and grabbed my hand.
On the way down my mother lowered her news paper, turned and eyed me. I gazed back, doe-eyed and confused. A smile curled onto her wise face and she turned around and proceeded to read her news paper—as if all was right with the world.
————————————————————————————————
Kylie’s truck was cold but familiar which made it comfortable. The windshield wipers were doused with last night’s snow and the engine hummed lightly as we sped along the highway. Hours had felt like minutes and soon i was being awoken by a yawning Kylie who stretched her arms from the constant driving.
“New york City” Kylie smiled and slammed the car door shut. I froze as we had taken a 2 and a half hour trip from upstate new york to the city. I had no time to think, Kylie yanked open my door and proceeded to pull me along. There was no turning back, no clever persuasion, no excuses—we were far too far for any of that to work-and she knew it. 108 street turned into 109, and 109 soon turned into 110th and we were soon in central park.
Kylie’s watch beeped and it read noon and finally we slowed down as we passed a huge pond filled with bathing swans. “Great timing” she said smiling, knowingly and pulling the scrungy out of my hair. My hair fell all around me filled with tiny curls like hers, messy yet gorgeous. “there is reason in everything i do…” She whispered yet again and approaching us was a tall, curly haired boy.
Kylie could see the panic in my eyes as she pushed me forward.
“Kylie…” i hissed yet when i turned around he had stopped walking, and i had stopped pleading. He was close enough for me to see his piercing sea foam blue eyes. He gazed effortlessly into my eyes. There was this moment in my heart that i could swear it took it’s last beat, that my lungs had expanded and exploded inside of me—a silent catastrophe..
He approached closer, i reached for Kylie yet again but thin air passed through my eager fingers…she was no where to be found. It had been too late to run, to foreign a place to hide. He was now closer than before, in whispering distance.
“I’m Harry” he smiled. His cheeks turned up and his eyes seemed to light up. “Kylie is my cousin. She does things like this..i know you’re her best friend, she speaks of you a lot. But, Sometimes brilliance can be scary..”
“I’m Aana. Kylie lives down the street from me but we practically live together despite the fact that she has her own room, own home, own bed. She always says she’d rather sleep on the floor next to me than be snuggled up to loneliness in an over sized bed..”
Harry laughed and reached out his hand. “It sounds like her..” i too extended my hand and slid it into his. Electricity seemed to ignite in my veins, i lightly gasped—too afraid to pull away yet scared of my own reaction. Harry looked up at me, he had felt it too. The wind seemed to pick up and snow started to gently fall, decorating our eyelashes.
“This is…” Harry murmured to himself and tilted his head back to the sky. His tongue extended and effortlessly caught a snowflake. Satisfied he smiled and we began walking. My heels echoed the sound of the soles of his boots hitting the pavement, our shoes picking up the cleanest of snow, our hands still pressed lightly together, fingers still entwined…
Chapter 2
It was cold so naturally our walking sped up into the direction of the nearest Starbucks. When we opened the door we were welcomed by a friendly chime from the Christmas ornaments that hung neatly over the ‘OPEN’ sign. The cafe was empty aside from the workers who chatted dully at the slow pace of the day.
Harry and i sat down at a booth in the back next to the window.
“Are you cold still?” He almost whispered while attempting to eye the menu from the front of the store.
I stared at his features. His curly hair filled, almost carefully, with light and dark brown hues, his blue-green eyes that reacted to the cadence of his different facial expressions—triggered by his moods, and of course his lips: pink, soft, and moist. The lips that probably held secrets behind them, secrets that i may never know..kindness from the sincerity that spreads throughout his entire being, and that one particular smile that now so cleverly crept up onto his face, emanating from the corner of his lips—he knew i had been staring at him. my eyes flickered quickly to the menu as i pretended to ponder what to order.
Harry turned his face completely in my direction and a wide smile was spread across his face. He stared into my eyes, i stared intently back.
“Aana” he whispered, smirking a bit. “Guess what?” He said, now leaning forward.
I swallowed hard, my heart beat sped up. Was this the moment where i would receive my first kiss? Would this handsome, intelligent boy solely want me in his arms, pressed against him right now? I closed my eyes and tried to remember the rules of kissing that Kylie had taught me years back when she had started dating and i had started forming crushes on boys—of course being forced to pursue them and failing.. But he was tremendously different. I had not known if he fit the classifications that i had been taught to fit boys into because honestly, with staring into his eyes, i had forgotten the rules of dating and human interactions altogether…
“…the cashier upfront made eyes at me..maybe we can get a discount on some hot chocolate, yeah?” He said smiling.
And suddenly i snapped out of my trance, my breathing steadied, my heart slowed down, and i could almost feel that my eyes were no longer dilated. A confused “Oh..” managed to creep out of my mouth and i quickly dropped my head and pretended to fumble in my tiny scarlet backpack.
Harry smirked yet again and i could feel his eyes on my back. Eventually he got up and sat on my side of the booth with his entire body facing my direction. He leaned into the crevice of my neck and shivers crept up my spine as i felt his mouth open ever so slightly near my ear. “Just…” He whispered slowly, pausing to lightly breathe again before whispering “…Kidding”.
I dare not move as Harry backed his face away a bit and smiled. “So what do you think you want-“
“Why are you torturing me…” I felt myself whisper.
I could hear his breath stop within his throat and i could feel his smile slowly fading. “i’m sorry…i think i’m probably bad at this…” He said.
But i did not want an apology…i think, what i wanted most, was his lips, his mind, his body, his soul, to be all apart of me as i would be entwined within him. “Harry-“
“I’m bad at flirting” he continued. “Thats what you do on dates right? I mean, you’re so pretty and so fragile and i’m so…”
”..so what” i urged.
Harry’s eyes turned away from me yet his position stayed the same..”Experienced..” he murmured.
…Silence filled our booth. I, surprisingly, was the first one to break it. A small giggle escaped from my lips, then full fledged laughter followed. “You think i’m innocent.”
“Yeah well,” Harry’s facial expression cheered and that smile crept once again onto his lips “aren’t you?”
“Am i?” I said. I could feel an ounce of confidence fill me as comfort settled within me. I was comfortable with this boy, being this close in proximity, breathing his air. I felt, new.
“Okay well. Have you had you first kiss?” He prodded.
I sheepishly shook my head no.
Harry moved closer. “And have you ever been on a date before?”
“This is my first…”
Harry smirked, almost from an air of satisfaction. “And..have you ever had sex?” He whispered, now resting his forehead against mine.
“You’re very cheeky…” I smiled, starring up into his eyes again.
“And you’re very innocent..” He pressed.
“Too innocent for you?”
Harry bit his lip for a few seconds, as if he were actually contemplating the circumstances fully. “Is that a challenge?” He finally whispered. “Would you let me kiss you, date you, and love you?”
He knew the answer to his own question which is why i wanted to make him wait. Minutes had passed and our foreheads were still pressed together. The cashier even whistled at us because she thought we were kissing. Finally my lips parted when i saw the eagerness spread throughout his pupils—his eyes could never lie like the rest of his body could. “I-“
Suddenly the chime from the door rung violently and the door slammed shut. Harry and i pulled away from each other to see Kylie rushing to us in beautiful, elegant, yet frantic strides. Before she even reached me i could tell what she would say.
“We have to jet..you’re dad’s pissed at us” She blurted out loudly.
My heart jumped and my breath caught in my throat.
“What’s wrong?” I could hear Harry whisper into my ear and yet it still sounded so far away.
Kylie grabbed my wrist and managed to get me to stand. “nothing..nothing Harry. Just get in the car.”
We all hastily left the shop, and the bewildered cashier, and hopped into Kylie’s black truck.
Kylie revved the engine and turned on the heater. The roads were slippery yet she drove as fast as her truck could handle. A car swerved in front of us and she slammed on the horn. “Motherfucker!” She yelled even though she knew the driver would never hear her.
Kylie knew my dad. She knew about his anger tendencies and she had always been troubled when it came to me ever making him mad. She knew of the often painful repercussions of even the slightest of my actions. She was on edge.
An hour and a half drive turned into a forty-five minute drive with Kylie slamming profusely on the brake. We slowly turned up to the front of my house and parked… and there he was…waiting.
Harry was wide eyed and a bit flustered. “Me and Kylie will-“
Kylie turned around and dug her nails firmly into the back of the leather seat. “Please, Aana, don’t go to him..”
“Stay in the car” i murmured without turning to face them. I gently opened the car door, and hastily strode to my fate.
“Dad i didn’t-“
..and with that he rose his hand and smacked me to the ground. Blood rushed from nose and doused the pure white snow. I could hear my front door open and my mother rushing out.
“What the fuck…” She started. Their arguing faded in and out. I rested my face to the snow and my body began to shiver.
“Aana!” I could hear Harry calling and then i could hear his footsteps crunching through the snow.
“Who the fuck are you?!” My father said.
Harry stroked my cheek and i could now hear Kylie’s voice amidst my parent’s.
“She’ll be spending the night…” Kylie said firmly.
“Yeah, fine, whatever.” My father said, turning and walking towards the house. He stopped and i could hear him smiling, his voice deep with animosity. “Just keep that slut away from my house for a bit, hm?” He said, slamming the front door behind him.
Harry carried me to the car where he laid my head in his lap. The blood had subsided completely within the snow. Kylie rolled up the windows. A melancholy silence passed throughout the entirety of the vehicle. Then Kylie wailed, and moaned, banging on the steering wheel. She was crying for me…
Tears rolled down my cheek too and i didn’t bother to hide them from Harry. His eyes were sad, yet determined. He bent down and kissed my forehead.
“I don’t get it…why should such a beautiful girl have to go through so much shit!?” Kylie screamed.
I could feel the calm rising and falling of Harry’s chest. “Beauty doesn’t choose pain, pain chooses beauty..” He whispered.
“Bullshit”, Kylie whispered. And With that, Kylie wiped her nose on her sleeve and slammed on the breaks. We drove around the block a couple of times before she parked outside of her house. I gazed down the street and up into my lonely windows.
“Come on babe, lets get you some ice…” Harry whispered…
Chapter 3
The house felt welcoming. A wave of serenity swept over me and the smell of brownies filled the air-a literal euphoria. Kylie and Harry followed the invigorating aroma of chocolate as i ran upstairs to Kylie’s bathroom. I leaned into the mirror and delicately poked at my face. It didn’t take much for me to start crying and so i continued to careful examine my face while tears drenched my cheeks.
In all of the years of knowing Kylie, of spending nights in her house, of throwing secret party’s, of sneaking Kylie’s ex into the house—never had i failed to not know every nook and cranny, every crevice and creek of that house. And so when i turned around to see Harry standing in the doorway of the bathroom…i froze. Because every time someone walked those ancient steps-they moaned, and every time someone rested their foot on the threshold of Kylie’s bathroom the white tiling squeaked. But when this boy…this beautiful, beautiful boy walked through this endearing house, he made certain to avoid causing a disruption.
And so while i jabbed and poked at the bruise that was now forming on my cheek, Harry came up behind me with a pack of frozen string beans and placed it on my cheek. It stung and so i reached up my free hand to alleviate it, but Harry was quicker than me and laced his fingers in between mine.
“I hate string beans”..i muttered grumpily.
Harry smirked. “well you don’t taste the ice pack, now do you?”
I tried hard not to smile at his wit and as a smile was beginning to form i stared into the mirror and saw the most unrealistic site—i was being cared for. I couldve cried, right then and there. But instead, Harry’s lip quivered ever so slightly, his jaw clenched, and he looked away from our reflection.
“does he always hit you like that?” Harry whispered as if we had been talking about it for hours.
i sighed and rested my hand on Harry’s now freezing hand, the hand that refused to let go of the ice pack until i was magically better.
“If he’s angry enough”, i finally whispered. Harry’s hand’s went numb—both that held me and the frozen package. The package clinked onto the floor and Harry spun me around and wrapped his arms around me until i was pressed against his chest.
“Why the hell did you do that, Aana…why’d you go to him?” He cried, hiding his face into my shoulder.
“I…” Harry’s heaving upset me. I could not tell if he was crying or if he had been exasperated from the anger that filled him. Either way, he was tormented by my abuse. And there was nothing i could say to cheer him up. I could not lie and tell him it would never happen again, because it will…i could not lie and tell him that i’m fine and that it didn’t hurt..because i’m not and because it did..and i could not tell him that everyday i was scared for my life, scared to trip up and to get yelled at, to get caught doing something i wasn’t supposed to be doing and get thrown across the room. so finally, i concluded that “I was trying to be sincere”, i whispered. “I still have hope that maybe if i keep being kind, if i keep being respectful, that if i just bite my lip and force myself not to hate him, not to conspire against him..then maybe one day he’ll be a better man”
Harry pulled away from me and cupped my face into his hands. His eyes pleaded me, for what i did not know. “Sometimes”..He breathed “You have to give up in order for things to work. Sometimes engines don’t start, sometimes heart’s don’t beat anymore…nature has a grand way of restoring itself. Sometimes we just have to let it..” His eyes focused intently on mines as he whispered “Do you understand?”
“I love you” i blurted out. My eyes grew wide and Harry’s hands dropped my face. “I’m sorry i meant-“
Harry smiled and put up his hand to shush me. “It’s fine..” He murmured and walked away before i could expect for an answer back.
“Harry-“
“It’s fine” he said walking faster.
“But Harry-“
“I said it’s fine, Aana.”
“Harry,” i chased after him as he sped down the steps. “Harry!!”
And he was gone..
The front door slammed. It seemed as if in one day i had witnessed more closing doors than open hearts, yet i was the one who didn’t deserve any of it.
Kylie came jogging up the steps. I gazed at the front door. Waiting for him to walk right through and whisper “Just….kidding” like he did in the cafe.
But a minute passed and he didn’t.
Kylie place her hand on my cheek and pouted a bit. “what?” she whispered.
“I said, ‘I love you’ and he ran away…”
Kylie sighed. “s’ that all?” she laughed softly.
My eyes filled with tears and i looked up at her, to show her that it had been a big thing to me. That i could not get any boy i wanted, like her, that he had become everything to me in less than a day..
But Kylie just shook her head and laughed again. “He’ll be back. I promise you.”
“How can you be so sure?” i pressed.
“Because” Kylie called, now slowly descending down the steps. “He left everything but his phone…”
She too now disappeared down the steps and had ventured into another part of the vast, white house. I had made up my mind that i would sit on the top step and wait for him to walk through the door, no matter how uncomfortable the spot, or how tired i was at the moment…
__________________________________________
the persistent ringing of a phone jolted me back to life…
I searched around to see where the sound was coming from, and why no one but me seemed to hear it. I got up and dragged myself into Kylie’s room—which had been unusually empty. Nonetheless i picked up the phone and breathed into the receiver.
“Babe…” Harry’s voice called to me through the other end.
Suddenly i was awake and worried. “Harry…”
“I’m sitting on the curb across the street from your house, just staring into your window. I know it sounds crazy but…i wanted to know if it was alright that if i stared into your room then maybe i could figure out something that your eyes wouldn’t tell me. something that your heart would respond to…trying to find any reason not to say i love you too. we just met. God this is so crazy…” he trailed off.
I waited, and listened. Because a wise person taught me to just let nature fix itself…
Finally Harry took a breath and i could tell he was smiling. I could hear his dimples crease into his cheeks, i could envision his lips curling to form a smile and his eyes completing the gesture. “I love you” he said, and hung up.
I dropped the phone on the floor and turned the corner, ran down the hallway, and raced down the steps. I could hear the front door handle turning as i finally made it to the entrance. With a gust of wind from outside, Harry now stood in front of me. He was wet, and rugged looking, almost as if he had been rolling in snow.
“Harry” i said, shivering from the unwelcoming air.
Harry gently closed the door behind him and when he turned back around i was already there. Before he could breathe, before he could apologize, before he could move, before he could change his clothes and wipe the snow out of his hair, i grabbed his face and opened his lips with mine, kissing him wildly. Harry grabbed my hips and pressed his lower body to mine.
Harry eventually pulled away from me for air and proceeded to remove his jacket.
“wait, Harry i’m not-“
“I’m just taking it off because it’s wet, you pervert” He teased.
I rolled my eyes and hopped onto the leather couch and closed my eyes. “You had me worried” i scolded.
“Good” he smirked and cuddled up beside me. “It was my every intention to do so. It’s apart of my master plan to, deflower you, dun dun dun!”
“and i’m the pervert?” i giggled.
“you are. you only want me for one thing!” he sobbed.
“yeah. love”
And then his tone suddenly became serious. “..thats what they all say”, he murmured. “thats what all the guys say to you girls. and you believe them…every last one of you. even the tough ones.”
I paused and lay my head in the crook of his neck.
“tell me about your parents, Aana” he whispered. “tell me a story”.
and like that, he could become so serious and yet so childlike at the same time. he had wanted so many things in life, i could tell, and like the rest of us he had been disappointed so many times. but i could find my purpose of being, through loving him…
“well first” i said now turning to him eagerly, “before any story is told one has to know the basics.”
“like how Cinderella’s mother died? and how Rapunzel had long hair?” he joked.
“and like how my father is a war vet and my mother suffers from depression.”
“wait, though” Harry prodded, “what is your mother? Doctor? Lawyer?” he pressed.
” I told you” i whispered… “depressed..”
“that’s…not a job” Harry whispered.
I leaned in closer to him to feel his warmth. My eyelashes brushed lightly against his skin. “It can be…”
Chapter 4
Saturday mornings at Kylie’s house usually consisted of eating frosted flakes while watching spongebob brainlessly until all the episodes went off or until we ran out of cereal, but this morning was different. This morning i awoke to the unfamiliar sound of arguing and the crashing of what sounded like glass, or plates. I rubbed my eyes and shuffled to the origin of the noise, the kitchen.
Kylie looked up and into my eyes. Flour was smeared across her cheeks and egg yoke dripped from her blond locks. She was holding Harry in the headlock as he attempted to bash, what seemed like, yet another egg into her hair.
“See, look what you did you stupid ass hole. Now you ruined the surprise…” Kylie yelled angrily and dropped Harry on the floor. “Aana,” she pleaded, “So, this is a dream okay..go back to sleep until i come and jump on you like we always do on saturdays..please?”
I smiled. They had attempted to make breakfast for me to make me feel better. Harry now stood up too and dusted flour off of his pants, yet forgetting to wipe his forehead off.
“Guys…” I was at loss for words. Tears welled up in my eyes yet again over something so…trivial seeming, i know. But these two people had such a great impact on my life and they didn’t even know it. They didn’t even know that every little argument that they had, over me, every little tear that they she, over me, every little thing that they do, for me, was exactly what was keeping me sane..”I’ll cook” i smiled and said after blankily staring into their beautiful eyes.
Kylie pointed to the direction of the living room. “Sleep” she commanded.
Harry turned to Kylie. “She want’s to help..”
“She always want’s to help. It’s in her nature, don’t you know that…oh right yeah i forgot you just met her” Kylie smiled mischievously.
“I just met you too and i already know that you’re a bitch. Your point?” Harry said now staring daringly into Kylie’s eyes.
Kylie crossed her arms.
“I thought…you two were related..?”i whispered. “..what’s going on?”
“adopted ” they both said at the same time.
“Which is why you’re just now meeting him..” Kylie continued.
Harry played with the zipper to his hollister hoody. He looked down; suddenly his socks had become the most interesting thing in the room. “So what, i’m adopted,” he started “that doesn’t make Kylie any less of a cousin to me…or a best friend. Yeah we may argue and fight and stuff but…i’d say i’m closer to her than even her own brother… And you” he said now looking into my eyes “me being adopted or not adopted doesn’t effect any of the plans i have for us in the future. doesn’t effect me being your boyfriend, your lover…your husband..” he said now smiling.
I breathed. I hadn’t even bothered to ask these questions, let alone think of the future. A long silence passed between us and finally i smiled. “Let’s get cooking!” I enthused.
Kylie jumped on the counter and flour flew every where.
Harry fanned the remains out of the air. “Should i tell her?”
Kylie blushed. “Fine, fine..”
Harry smiled. His dimples formed deeply into his cheeks. “We, uh, we can’t cook..i mean. We can try but we’re terrible…really”
“I’ll cook, then.” I resolved as i made my way over to the fridge.
“I’ll sing!” Harry enthused.
“And i’ll record for blackmailing purposes!” Kylie retorted and grabbed Her iphone off of the microwave.
I turned around and placed my back on the fridge.
Kylie pointed the phone in Harry’s direction. “Go ahead, sing..lover boy.”
Harry’s cheeks turned a shade of pink.”Now?”
“yes…now. like, right now.” Kylie said as a smile spread across her face.
Harry laughed and walked away, but Kylie followed him every where he went around the kitchen. I watched and finally Harry grabbed me from the fridgerator and wrapped his arms around my waist, staring deeply into my eyes. And then he sang to me.
“and i’d give up forever to touch you,
cause i know that you feel me some how
you’re the closest to heaven that i’ll ever be
and i dont wanna go home right now
and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
and sooner or later its over
i just don’t want to miss you tonight…”
He took a breath and held me closer. Kylie stopped recording and lowered her arm. Her eyes were wide, mine were too.
“Holy shit,” she whispered. “Harry. I didn’t know that you could sing!” She enthused.
Harry blushed. “Ehrm…i didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” He laughed softly and rubbed the back of his head. “You should, uhm, delete that now. Please?”
Kylie’s eyes rolled and she too, laughed. “No way. I’m keeping this forever,” she paused, “maybe even upload it to youtube, neh?”
Harry took a step forward. “I don’t think i like that idea at all.”
Kylie held her phone away from Harry. “I don’t think i care.”
Their eyes narrowed. Suddenly a burst of speed emerged from Harry in his attempt to snatch the phone from Kylie’s hand. Kylie spun around, put her phone in her bra, and climbed over to the other side of the little island in the middle of the kitchen.
Harry gripped onto one end of the island. Kylie rested half of her body on the edge of the island, while her other foot stayed pressed to the ground, ready to sprint at any sudden movements.
“You really think i won’t reach in there and grab it?” Harry smirked.
Kylie eyed me, smiled mischievously, and shrugged. “You suggested it, i’ll be happy to go along with it.”
“Ehrm…” I spoke up, “If he’s that uncomfortable with you putting it on youtube then maybe you should just stop now,” I said timidly.
Kylie snorted but relaxed a bit. As she was about to respond Harry took the opportunity to pounce onto the island and dive onto Kylie. They both headed to the ground. Harry wrapped his arms around Kylie to protect her head. His rearend landed onto the ground with a loud thump.
“Aghhh!” He said. He laid flight out on the kitchen tile. His breaths were labored yet a cheeky smile started to form on his lips. With a triumphant arm, he raised his hand in the air to reveal the phone.
Kylie rolled over and sat on her knees. She rubbed her head. “Owwww.” she complained. “That better not leave a-” Kylie stopped. Her eyes widened. “HARRY, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” She screamed.
Harry smiled wider. “Jealous of my ninja skills, huh?” He smirked.
“No, stupid.” Kylie sprung to her feet and snatched the phone back. Her eyes narrowed at the screen. “Oh my god. Oh my god.” She bit her lip and clenched a fistful of her hair. “Oh my god, YOU IDIOT!”
Harry sighed, sat up, and pulled his knees to his chest. “What now? It’s probably not even that serious.”
“NOT SERIOUS?” Kylie fumed. She distanced herself a little, and took a deep breath. “Harry, you sent this video to my father.”
“What? How?” He said defensively.
“WHEN YOU TACKLED ME, STUPID!” She yelled. “When we fell to the ground you must have pressed something to forward the video to him!”
Harry shrugged. “I don’t see why it’s a big deal. It’s not like it’s porn or anything.”
Kylie slapped Harry across his face.
“Ow. What the hell, Kylie? I told you i don’t like when people touch my face! It’s not even that big of a deal. What’s you’re problem?” He yelled.
“MY FATHER,” She started. Kylie turned to look at me. Her facial expression suddenly softened. She distanced herself again, this time so that she could see both of us when she spoke. “My father is the owner of a big record label. My mother and him do not get along well,” Kylie looked away from us and nervously tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, “That’s why he doesn’t come home anymore. Not even for Christmas. I’m sorry for the way i reacted. I know it’s not fair for me to yell at you Harry. It’s just frustrating. Especially because-” A deep vibrating noise cut her off midsentence. Kylie looked at her phone “Oh,” She murmured, almost in astonishment “It’s my dad,” she whispered.
She set the phone down on the counter of the island. It vibrated profusely. Kylie and Harry looked at eachother, looked at the phone, and then they both turned to me.
I gulped. My fingers trembled and finally i pushed the ‘end call’ button.
Kylie breathed. A moment of silence passed. We all stared at eachother. Kylie started to giggle, Harry snorted and i chuckled. Full fledged laughter escaped our bodies. We relaxed.
Suddenly the phone began to ring again. It felt all too common, almost like a scene from a cheesy horror movie.
This time, I reached over and answered the phone. “H-hello?” I stammered while quickly switching to speaker phone. Once again the phone rested between the three of us as we huddled over the countertop of the island.
“Hello, princess. It’s been a while,” said a deep voice escaping from the tiny device.
Kylie’s delicate fingers reached out to tap the counter, almost as if she were grabbing onto it, getting her bearings in case she fell. “Hello, father.” She murmurmered.
“I got the video you just sent me. Who was that?”
Kylie rolled her eyes and breathed. “I’m fine too, thanks.”
“That’s nice,” he said, “So, who was that boy singing in the video? Your boyfriend, perhaps?”
“WOW.” Kylie said, clenching the counter harder. “Wow, you’ve been so negligent, and so distant for so long that you don’t even know who that ‘boy’ is. He’s actually apart of our family now. But i doubt you’d care, right?”
“You’re married to him?” Her father laughed softly.
Kylie balled her hand into a fist. “He’s adopted!” She yelled. “He’s your nephew!”
“Oh,” He smirked, “Carrie didn’t tell me she adopted a son…”
“Yeah,” Kylie said putting her hand on her forehead, “Carrie didn’t tell anyone for a long time. Aana is just now meeting him. Even I’M just now becoming close with him. We spent the summer together.”
“…Aana?”
Kylie sighed. “But maybe people just don’t tell you anything at all because you won’t remember. You don’t make an effort to remember anything unless it’s connected to money. And we’re poor compared to you, the WORLD is full of poor people when compared to you. So you just probably tune most people out, huh?”
“Money talks, dear.” He said, with a smile behind his voice. “Speaking of which, let me speak to the kid please.”
Harry leaned in to speak but Kylie placed a finger over his lips. “No. Hell no. You don’t even know his name.”
“Kylie, dear, don’t be difficult-“
“I SAID NO!!” She screamed.
“What’s going on here? Kylie, who are you screaming at?” Kylie’s mother shuffled into the kitchen and joined us in our huddle. “Hello?” She said.
“Amber.”
“Charlie?!” Kylie’s mother screamed. She grabbed Kylie’s phone and took it off of the speaker function. “What are you doing calling here, I told you to leave us alone a long time ago, didn’t I?!”
A silence passed. Kylie’s mothers facial expression twisted and her eyes glossed over us, stopping at Harry. “You want who? Absolutely not. No.”
She paced the kitchen hastily with her first balled. She resembled an even older, more graceful, angrier version of Kylie. “No.” She repeated.
She turned away from us. “No.” She said firmly yet again. “No No NO Charlie.”
Kylie smiled and crossed her arms in triumph.
“Wait, what?” Kylie’s mother said. She slowly turned in our direction again. Mother and daughter stared at each other. Kylie’s smile faded. Her arms dropped. Kylie’s mother slipped out of the kitchen and her voice lowered. We stood there, waiting.
“…I don’t get it…” Harry said.
Kylie rolled her eyes again and turned towards Harry. But she didn’t appear mad at him. She appeared tired, and sad. Lost, almost. “What? What is it that you don’t get.”
“It’s just,” Harry said. His eyes dropped, his fingers traced a small edge of the counter. “Well, I don’t understand how…how money makes you forget your family. Especially if the money wasn’t always there…but your family was…”
Kylie stared and cupped Harry’s face, almost as if he was a younger child. “Harry, money changes people, love.”
But Harry shook his head. “No, love,” He whispered softly, “I think people change money.”
Kylie’s mother returned. Her eyes were glossy as if tears were about to spill out. She waltzed to the counter and pulle up a high chair. Her hand rested on her chin, her hair drapped around her like a protective blanket. She rested Kylie’s phone on the counter and slid it in Kylie’s direction. It stopped midway. We stared at it. Each of us an equal reach away from it. “Well,” She sighed, “I’m not proud of myself.”
“Mom.” Kylie cried out. “Mom…what did you DO?”
Kylie’s mother mimicked Kylie’s nervous habits. She put a string of hair behind her ear, stretched her fingers, and bit her lip.
“Auntie,” Harry’s voice spoke up. “What’s going on?”
She swallowed hard and lowered her eyes a bit.
“Amber. Tell him!” Kylie screamed. “Tell him what you-“
“LET HER SPEAK.” Harry roared.
Harry turned to Kylie’s mother. She opened her mouth to speak, then cleared her throat, and tried again. “Theres not much to do around here. You’ve all reached 18. You’ve all graduated. And Harry, he’s got such a beautiful talent. I don’t think he should waste it. And Kylie, your father is not that bad of a guy, you know, he’s done a lot for us and-“
“Amber,” Harry said slowly. “You sold me.”
“Is that a question? No i didn’t-“
“No..you DID. You sold me.” Harry repeated. “No one even asked me what I wanted. He didn’t even ask me what MY name was. Did you even bother to tell him, Amber?”
“No.” She whispered. “No I didn’t because he’ll just change it anyway.”
Harry shook his head. “Why didn’t you fight for me?”
She frowned. “Because I don’t know how to say No to Charlie. I can say it on the surface, I can repeat it and really think I mean it too, really believe in myself, you know? But then…but then he has a way of making me say yes, and question myself, and my entire existence, even. He makes me question everything and once I say yes to him it’s like making a deal with the devil…I never know how to get out of it. I would have fought harder if i could control myself but I still keep falling for it, after all these years.” She paused and tried to smile a little. “I did manage to get the number of the manager for you. Usually Charlie doesn’t give me anything, it just happens and I never trully know what IT is. I’m still wondering how I ended up in this big house without a husband. If you asked me how we broke up and where he went, I won’t remember. It just happened so fast, too fast. Everything in my life involving Charlie is just a blur.. I almost wish i would’ve written everything down.” She sighed again. “And, you leave Christmas morning. Here,” She said, reaching for Kylie’s phone, “Under ‘S’ is ‘Simon’. That’s your managers name. He’s from London. Charlie say’s he’s a nice guy. You call him if you have any questions. He can ‘t do much when it comes to getting you out of this, but maybe you can get to know him and-“
“How dare you!” Kylie cried. “What is WRONG with you? How dare you not stand up for your own nephew!”
“Hey!” Harry shouted at Kylie. “She messed up, we get it. But don’t you dare disrespect her. She’s your mother, and a damn good one at that.”
Kylie slammed her first on the counter. “How can you just be OKAY with this?” She demanded.
“Because, Kylie,” He sighed, “I feel like i’m aging too quickly everytime i get mad about things I can’t change. And nothing is worth feeling like you’re about to die. Not even love.”
Chapter 5
Some hours had passed and Harry and i had moved into the guest room. Kylie was blasting Linkin Park like she always did when she was crying, or screaming, or throwing stuff around the room. She liked to give off the persona that she was perfect so when something was really really wrong she barely let anyone in. Harry was sitting in the wooden chair next to the vanity and i sat on the bed. It was awkward, honestly. I tried desperately not to cry anymore and Harry tried not to talk about it. He just clenched his jaw and tightened his hands into fists and i just bit my quivering lip. Nothing made sense anymore.
“Who’s uh…who’s your favorite Book Character?” Harry said, trying to break the silence.
“Holden Caulfield” I whispered.
Harry’s bottom lip quivered and he looked away and cleared his throat. “Thats..ah..that’s my favorite book..”
“…Harry” I said, his name barely above a whisper, “Just stop okay..”
Harry stood up and paced the room for a bit. I had never seen him so unhappy, so contemplative. Finally he stopped near the landline phone and eyed it. “I’m going to quit. What am i saying? I haven’t even started yet. I’m going to call this whole thing off. I don’t even want to be famous. I don’t need to be surrounded by millions and millions of people that i don’t even know. I just want you and my family..”
Part of me wanted to tell Harry ‘no, dont’ and all that supportive shit. But in all honesty, the other part of me, the dominant part of me, took over and it was saying ‘stay with me, forever’. I knew i was being selfish but it was at that point that i didn’t care anymore. I waited for someone like Harry all of my life and i honestly did not want to have him ripped away from me, just like almost every other good thing seemed to be taken away.
As Harry was about to pick up the phone Kylie burst into our room unexpectedly. She was now blasting Katy Perry and dancing around our room with her Hello Kitty Socks and pajama set on. This was the typical Kylie. From mood to mood she swung, always with something provocative and life changing up her sleeve, always carrying a dream. This was why she was my best friend. She had endured so many silent miseries that she refused to dwell on. After a while she would always make a conscious effort to bounce back to her own euphoria. But this time it was different. This time we couldn’t imagine what could make her so happy in such a short period of time. Harry was leaving, did she understand that?
“Aanaaaa” she sang and twirled circles around me. “Guess. What.”
I closed my eyes and waited, waited to hear how yet another boy had chatted her up on facebook telling her how gorgeous she was, how she found something cool buried in her closet, something trivial that would not matter to me that i would have to pretend did.
“I called Harry’s manager” She sang yet again.
My heart dropped and it felt as if the music had stopped and everything was going in slow motion but her words.
“Yeah well, that Simon guy is pretty nice. I explained to him the situation and what not of how we would miss Harry, and how Harry was engaged to you…”
“WHAT?!” I yelled. “Did you just lie? To the manager of one of the largest record companies in the world?”
“Well look it worked okay?” Kylie said rolling her eyes. “You can’t always play by the books. Fuck that shit. At least now we get to travel with Harry on tour and what not…”
I pressed my lips together and now it was my turn to pace. What was the catch to this? Harry was a handsome, young, talented, and promising artist. It would have been beneficial to keep him single in order to attract a broader audience. “What’s the catch? What’s the catch?” I urged.
Kylie twirled yet again and threw her head back. Her left leg was extended in mid air as she balanced daintly on her right. “No catch..except…We have to avoid the public eye..”
My mother had always told me that a moment would come in my life that i would have no excuse but to chase my dreams. That there would be nothing holding me back but my ownself, no reason to fail. I had just graduated highschool with Highest Honors and had already decided that i was not going to attend college right away. Whilst my father reminded me how i was throwing my life away, Kylie’s family and my mother told me to follow my heart. Kylie wanted to chase the fashion and photography world even though she too had graduated with Honors. By society we were deemed as failures, drop outs even to some degree. But it didn’t matter what society thought anymore because in less than a day we had both come to terms with reality. Things change rapidly and at any given moment. If for a great part of your life you are unhappy it is up to you to change that. If for a great part of your life you have been living for other people more than for your own personal desires, then that too should to be changed. Life began and ended every second and every breath we take is a privilege. I had no excuses, no apparent obstacles. It was now my turn to live my life and i was intent on doing so.
“Do you mind us tagging along with you, Harry?” Kylie questioned, almost unnecessarily.
Harry didn’t even answer. He just pressed his lips to mine and sat me ontop of the dresser.
“I should film this..” Kylie said sticking her tongue out at us.
“No. You’ve done enough filming for a day. You, get out. Now. Please. Please?” Harry pleaded and pushed Kylie out the door. When she was gone he breathed, lowered his head and smirked.
“Oh man..” He whispered.
“I know, she’s strong for a-“
“I almost lost you..” Harry said, cutting me off. He flicked the switch off and the room went dark all except for the lights coming from the tiny stars that Kylie and i had pasted on the ceiling when we were little. It never failed to amaze us how year, after year these stars continued to glow. And with Harry now in between my legs, staring into my eyes it felt as bright as the same night that we had taped them there.
“I wanna finish what we started earlier, Aana” he whispered in his husky voice. And now i was scared. I was about to lose the one thing that i had held onto proudly for 18 years to someone that i deeply, deeply loved. I didn’t even have time to think as Harry picked me up and laid me gently on the bed. I expected it to be like in the movies where it lasted only five minutes and then the couple cuddled for what seemed like hours. But after five minutes of kissing down my neck it was apparent that Harry wanted to take this slow.
Harry kissed me and our tongue’s met and fought eachother for survival. I started pulling at the bottom of his hoody and so Harry unzipped it hastily. The outline of his body now rested against the palms of my hands as they pushed him upwards a bit, almost to support him. Harry lifted up my top and kissed at my tummy before i myself pulled my top off completely. He kissed down my torso and stopped at my pantyline. My hands were shaking now and i felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I was so scared and curious at the same time. Harry pulled at the zipper to my skirt and smirked alittle.
“What…what’s wrong?” i whispered anxiously. “What am i doing wrong?”
Harry leaned into me and pressed his cheek to mine. “You have to relax.” He whispered softly into my ear. I shivered and took a deep breath before i closed my eyes and let my body go limp. Harry continued by pulling my stockings off and throwing them somewhere around the room.
“Nice ruffles,” He whispered, referring to my panties, “But they’re going to have go off soon.”
I squeezed my legs closed as a reflex but i soon felt Harry gently pry them open again. Harry unzipped his jeans now and kicked them off. We were even, both in our underwear, both about to embark on this journey together. My legs must have been shaking because Harry leaned in between them to kiss my lips. “I love you” He whispered as he then surprisingly pulled my panties down. I looked up at the ceiling, embarrassed with my body. Hoping there was nothing dramatically wrong with it, praying that he would still want me.
“You’re beautiful..” he breathed, almost as if he was taking a moment to gaze at a work of art.
My legs shut again and once again Harry pryed them open. “You gotta stay still for me, babe” He whispered. “Otherwise it will hurt and it wont be perfect..I want your first time to be perfect”. And with that he went to work. He moved his lips to my most sensitive area and at first used his tongue to lick the outside. I fidgeted and gasped at this new sensation. His tongue dragged back and forth outside of me and finally he dug his tongue inside of me and proceeded to give me pleasure. I covered my face from embarrassment, even though i knew Harry was not focusing on that. I squealed when he used a few of his fingers to dig inside of me as well. I could hear Harry smirking again, with confidence this time. Harry proceeded to get me wetter and wetter until it felt like i had peed on myself. He continued to jam his fingers inside of my while occassionally licking at my clit.
“Harry…” i finally cried
“Yes babe?” He answered with a wide smile etched across his face.
“I want you so badly…” I whimpered
Harry now pulled down his boxers and rubbed himself against me. “I know..” He answered slyly.
He continued to tease me and i continued to lay there helplessely under his command, whimpering every time he touched me. Eventually he stopped altogether and sighed. “Aana…i’ve tried really hard to open you up..this is going to hurt still, i hope not as much though. Please don’t hate me baby..We can stop if you want..”
I moaned and pressed my hand to his face. I could feel his dimple concave into his face. Harry grabbed my hips and slowly joined our bodies, pushing more and more inside of me. It was the most painful and uncomfortable experience i had ever felt but it was too late to cease his actions—he had already taken my virginity. I sniffled and tears fell on to the bed as Harry slowly pumped himself back and forth. I wanted to scream out in pain but i didn’t want anyone to come rushing into the room. Harry grunted and i could tell that he was enjoying every second of it. I dare not ruin it for him because i didnt want him to think that he had to stop..even though at this moment, I wanted him to stop..
fifteen minutes into the sex and i was actually starting to go numb so i could relax a little. Then twenty minutes passed, and twenty-five. Soon, after thirty minutes i was beginning to receive pleasure from his incessitant pumping. I dug my nails into his back causing Harry to bite his lips. He knew now that things were okay. Harry pumped harder and deeper and this caused my moaning to start again. This went on and on until i felt something gathering in my tummy. I didn’t know what was going on and so i held Harry closely to me. Harry smirked again and then the best feeling in the world overcame my body and i shook and gasped and turned into the feedle position clutching at my privates.
Harry let out the same moan and collapsed next to me on the bed. We both breathed endlessly.
“Aana..why are you so far away from me” Harry murmured eventually.
I didn’t answer him. I was still trying to figure out what that feeling was that had came to me at the very end of our love making. I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that i was no longer a virgin. Most of all, i was still trying to convince myself that the beautiful, naked, sweaty boy laying next to me was madly, deeply, in love with me. I thought about all of this for what seemed like an eternity. The feeling of Harry’s arms around me and his body shaped around mines distracted me. I blinked as the artificial stars seemed to lull me to sleep, i was safe in his arms.
______________________________________________________________________________
“Fuck..” I heard Harry swear and then i heard the guest shower turn on. My eyes fluttered open and i looked around the room. I jumped up when i saw blood all over the tan sheets. Harry walked out of the bathroom with his towel on. I stared at the bed.
“It’s okay Babe..That’s normal for when a girl loses her virginity…” He said and then leaned in to kiss me. “How’d you sleep?”
I looked around the room. Everything was rushing back to my head. Last night rushed back to me instantly. I looked at Harry, my eyes were wide and my gaze was fixed on his.
“Baby what’s-“
And then i left. I was naked and still bleeding a little but i left and ran down the hallway to Kylie’s room and shut the door. Kylie was just stretching out of her bed when she turned to me and gasped.
“Aana…What happened to you..” She cried and ran to me. “Why are you bleeding..”
I pushed her away gently and slammed her bathroom door behind me.
Kylie was awaiting patiently on her bed when i came out in one of her bright pink towels. I sat down and shivered a bit. I wasn’t cold, just nervous. I knew she would ask, if she already didn’t know. Sometimes it was annoying having a best friend who could read you so thoroughly without fail.
“Aana.” kylie said firmly. “What happened?”
I twiddled my thumbs and chewed on my bottom lip before uttering out a “Well…”
And Kylie, like usual, persistently awaited my story.
“I…Harry…Harry and I…We..sort’ve did that thing that people in love do..” I mumbled shyly.
Kylie snorted and layed back on her bed. “Expected. Did he fuck up that badily that you had to run? I don’t blame you.”
“No. No.” I answered immediately. “He was perfect. He was gentle. Everything was right. I just…i just got so scared when i woke up. There was so much blood, it was so embarrassing. It felt like..it felt like i had gotten my period all over the sheets and he had just slept in it..”
Kylie giggled and sighed. “Aana..i love you so much you silly girl. Harry has taken enough virginities to know what he would be waking up to in the morning.”
“Yeah…that was the other problem..” I whispered. “I expected to wake up to him playing with my hair or kissing me awake with his tiny magic kisses but instead i woke up to ‘FUCK’. I felt like i was some whore and we were in some sleazy motel room.”
Kylie breathed and snorted again. “Tch. Did you even give him a chance? Maybe he was planning something. He’s like that. I know you know. He’s like me. He always has this amazing plan except when he tries to go through with it, something always goes wrong. It’s cause he doesnt speak up for himself that much. He’s one of those ‘i just want everyone to get along’ types ‘even if i have to stay quiet for it to happen’..always thinking about others. It’s annoying really.”
I kissed Kylie’s forehead and sighed. “I love you.” I whispered.
“I love you Aana banana . But you’ve gotta stop this self doubt thing. Me and Harry just don’t understand it. You’re beautiful, witty, and brilliant. I don’t understand how you could ever be unsattisfied with your self. You’ve whethered so many emotional and physical obstacles while still maintaining your inner self and dignity. It’s surreal. You need to stop focusing on whats scary in life and start focusing on how you can take yet another step into the unknown. Because we are all going to die. Don’t die unhappy with your life, lovely. That is the biggest mistake that anyone could ever make, in my opinion.” Kylie paused. We sat there silently, just breathing, just being alive. “Why are you still sitting here?” she whispered and sat up. “your boyfriend is going to have a bitch fit if you dont go back in there and face him.”
I nodded and kissed Kylie’s forehead yet again. When i closed the door she blasted Linkin Park top notch.
Something was deeply upsetting her.
Chapter 6
I had a lot on my mind but that didn’t change the fact that i was still wrapped in a towel and that Harry still had no idea what was wrong with me. I’d have to bother Kylie yet one more time just to borrow some of her clothes. I knocked firmly on the door once and immediately Kylie handed me a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and closed the door.
Oh, how she could read my mind..
Next was Harry. I was already embarrassed when i ran out of the room and yet again i’d have to be embarrassed by going back in. I braced myself and turned the knob ever so slowly. What would i say to him? How would i begin without making the situation even more awkward than it already was? When i finally got around to actually opening the door Harry wasn’t even paying attention. He had his headphones in and his music was on blast. I could hear the lyrics spill out of the tiny ear buds.
and in case you
and in case you
and in case you were wondering
you are like a sunset to me
Harry’s eyes were closed and his head was propped up by his hands as he lay peacefully on the bed. I watched. Nothing could take this moment away from me. He was so vulnerable and so unaware. He was right. Because i was in love, i could hardly count his faults.
Maybe a minute passed, maybe a decade. But what made me move from that comfortable spot, from watching my boy, what stopped me from jumping on him and cupping his face in my hands, was the terrible draft that blew against my spine and the realization that i would soon become ill if i didn’t dress my self. With that i slipped into the bathroom and changed hastily. Kylie’s shirt was tight across my chest and her sweatpants hugged my lower half in ways that my other clothes failed to.
I stepped out of the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed as Harry now sung along to the lyrics to himself.
and in case you were wondering
you are like a hurricane to me
your violence is beautiful
and your center sweet
now tell me do you know how we meet?
Harry’s eyes fluttered open when he felt my weight on the bed. He sat up quickly and threw the plugs out of his ear. A rushed “Aana…” escaped his lips. He sounded astonished.
I stood up and played with my fingers. Harry still stared. “w..what?” I whispered.
His eyes were filled with a spark that i could not explain. “you..should dress like that more often…”
I felt a sheepish smile spread across my face before i murmured, “It’s just sweat pants, you cheeky boy.”
“But my god, you are stunning…” he whispered
These words passed ever so easily from his lips and yet I paused and stared at the ground. “Do i..look like Kylie now? Maybe even just a little bit?” i urged.
Harry swung his legs over the bed. I could feel his presence approach me. I shivered when his hand appeared under my chin to lift my head up, to gaze into my eyes. We didn’t need words for this moment. We didn’t need to kiss or to make love again. Our love peered through the windows of our eyes. Every bit of attraction, every spark, every tear, everything came from our eyes. As i mentioned before, Harry could lie all he wanted to but his eyes always told on him. Those sea-foam green windows were his weakness, and soon to be every girls’ kryptonite.. I would be forced to share him.
This moment was disturbed by Kylie. She welcomed herself in the room, looked around and plopped on the bed.
Harry and i pulled away from eachother as he turned a slight pink and bit his lip.
“Well, well, well!” Kylie enthused. “Am i intruding?” She asked sweetly I could tell that she didn’t honestly care that she was interrupting. She was happy now and her bad mood had, for the moment, dissipated. Now she was ready to once again integrate with the world, her world. Of course we would embrace her, entertain her, love her. Kylie was the type of girl that would give you all she had even if she didn’t want to deep down inside. She had a deep love for everyone and everything, even if that love was secretly a burning hate. So, in my eyes, she deserved the world. I vowed to one day give it to her. “Aana Banana.” She said calmly. “Look at me.”
“Hmm?” I hummed, peering into her abundantly blue eyes.
Kylie’s lips thinned and her smile faded. “We need to get as many as your clothes as possible before we leave.”
That was all she said. That was all she had to said. I looked from Kylie, to Harry, and then i stared at the landline phone that rested, untouched, by the bed. In order to order to retrieve any article of clothing that belonged to me, it would require me going back into my house; and going into my house meant certain chaos would follow. We knew this. Even Harry, who had just been introduced into my life, feared for me.
“So i was thinking to avoid any of that”, Kylie continued as if she and i had been actually discussing this, “i think we should just call your mom up, right? and she’ll just hand you your nicest clothes and thats that.”
I nodded. Right. I had no problem with that. My mother and i had always been on good terms. She was my best friend before Kylie became my best friend. My mother meant the world to me despite her depression, despite the man that she was, unfortunately, joined to. So..Without second thought i picked up the phone and dialed her cell phone number. It rang and rang and rang, which was odd because she always picked up when she knew i wasn’t home, always. She got worried very easily and answered every phone call that came through her end—in hopes that i would be okay, even though she knew i always was. She was a beautiful mother, really. Maybe you could imagine how fast my heart was beating at this moment, maybe you would think that i was just as franctic and panicy as her. I hung the phone up gently, picked up the receiver, and dialed again. And again. On the fourth time calling she finally picked up.
“Mom-“
“Aana, baby, listen to me. Do not come by here anymore…”
My eyes widened and a lump appeared in my throat. I turned to Kylie, her eyes had grown wide probably to match mine.
“Please..” She pleaded, her voice shaky and heartwrenching… and then my mother did something that she had never done before. She abruptly hung up…
I called her back. No answer.
When my hands picked up the receiver this time, my fingers were shaking. They did not dial her cell number, they dialed my house phone. I knew who would pick up. I knew that this could not be resolved the way Kylie and i had planned it. But i knew that i just needed to know if my mother was fine. I could find new clothes. I could live in one outfit for as long as i needed to. But i could not live with forever hearing the replay of the sound of my mothers voice cracking through the phone without at least knowing the reasoning behind it.
The phone rang vigorously. I swear everytime i knew that he would pick up, the ringing would have a certain kind of horrorible cadence to it. I waited. one, two, three…and finally my troubles had began. My heart thumped when my father answered with a laugh.
I breathed into the phone. “W-whats wrong with mom?” I stuttered.
“Shut the fuck up with that pity-bullshit. Your mother is fine.” He retorted harshly.
Tears were now filling my eyes. “She’s not fine. You hit her.” I moaned. I was sure of it. The sound of my mothers depression had not ever melded with the sound of fear unless something had happened. I knew her too well to know that she was hurt, and not at all alright.
“Bitch. Your mother is my property. I married her. I claim her. I will do whatever i want until someone repays me for all 17 years that i’ve lost. There is nothing that you, that slut or that faggot boyfriend of yours can-“
I banged the receiver down and it slipped off of the night stand and violently crashed to the floor. Something stirred within me now. My heart was filled with anger and revenge and all fear melted away. I lunged out of the bedroom door, Kylie and Harry were fast at my heels.
“Aana what are you doing!” Kylie screamed.
“Aana…” Harry frantically called in an effort to calm me.
I raced into Kylie’s brothers’ room and reached to the top shelf of the closet. His box of spare condoms, weed, and playing cards crashed to the floor. I emptied the contents out of the box and found his box cutter. i slid this in between the edge of my panties to hold them and grabbed his base ball bat on the way out.
“OH FUCK!” Kylie screamed. “AANA DO NOT DO WHAT I THINK YOUR GONNA DO!”
Harry grabbed for me but i slipped through his grasp. “BABE!”
I ran faster. My blood was boiling. I sprinted to the front door. His property? His property?!
“AANAAAAA” Kylie screamed at the top of her lungs. “YOU’RE NOT EVEN WEARING SHOES!”
But there was no stopping me. I ran down the icy block. The cold snow rose through the soles of my feet. I kept running and running. There was absolutely no words that could turn me around. When i got to the front door i kicked it and banged it. My mother cracked it open.
“Aana…i told you not to-“
“Let me see you.” I demaned.
“Aana..” My mother cried, her voice shook tremendously.
“Let me see you!” I screamed.
My mother paused, fat tears dripped down here face heavily. On the side of her cheek lay a gigantic bruise. She put her hand over it to try to cover it but i had already saw the damage.
“Now, Aana don’t..” my mother pleaded. “You’re gonna get yourself hurt baby girl” she whispered. “Please. Listen to mommy and..”
I pushed her aside and made my way into the house.
“AANA CHAMBERS!” my mother screamed and grabbed my wrist. I yanked myself from my grasp and looked down the long hallway. There, sitting in the living room with his feet propped up, with the t.v on and a tall glass of coke resting on the arm of his chair, was my father enjoying himself. Enjoying. Himself.
“YOU HIT HER YOU BASTARD!” I yelled and stomped down the hall way. On the way to the living room i trashed all of his stuff. His trophies, his awards. The pictures that he stood in alone. The pictures of him holding me as a baby. His china hand-me-downs. Anything related to him, anything that he touched, i destroyed. Endless shards of glass followed my path.
He jumped up and approached me swiftly. I swung the bat at him and hit him squarely in the face. And again i swung, and swung. I could feel the virbrations of the metal hitting his bone run throughout my wrist. He grabbed the bat with one hand and slapped me across the face. Then he grabbed my face with his hand and pinned me to the wall.
“You’re gonna die in this house.” He murmured.
I wriggled beneath him and bit at the flesh of his hand which caused him to draw back in pain.
“YOU BITCH!” He said looking at the bite mark. I didn’t let him have the satisfaction of worrying about himself. I let go of the bat that he had snatched from me and desperately searched for the closest object. His great-grandmothers vase caught my attention and i smashed it on his head. He fell and pulled me down with him. He had a shard of glass in his hand and sliced me down the exposed part of my arm. I screamed and spit in his face as he aimed to now slit my throat.
“FUCK YOU!” i cried and pulled out the box cutter. I slashed him down the side of his face before stabbing him squarely in his chest and leaving the tiny knife inside of him. His eyes rolled back a little and his face was bloody. I crawled over to the side of the stair case to support myself and finally lifted myself up altogether.
“I’m finishing the job..” I whispered sweetly in his ear. Grabbing the bat i struck him over and over until he appeared to stop moving and breathing altogether, and until the poor bat had obtained a dent in it. I would repay Kylies’ brother one day with a better one…
“I HOPE YOU’RE DEAD!” i screamed and limped to my mother.
She stared into my eyes, her eyeliner was smeared all over her face. “Oh, Aana..” she whispered and attempted to dry her overflowing eyes.
“Mom..” i cried back “We have to get out of here. I don’t want you here if he wakes up. Mom..”
But my mother shook her head. “Aana..” she breathed and pointed to the direction of the stairs. “I’ve chosen my life with your father. I can not abandon him. It is not my nature. Remember what i said about chasing dreams? Aana..why should you die here when its not even your time…”
“Mom! I’m not going to die if you don’t die!” i pleaded “mommy..” I whispered. By now the tears were falling full throttle onto bloody patches that would forever stain Kylie shirt.
My mother smoothed my hair and turned me in the direction of the stair case. I limped towards it and looked back, then i proceeded to my room to pack my bags.
I hoped to never see my mother cry like that again…
Chapter 7
I’m pretty sure my bags were full of nonsense. Outfits that didn’t make sense, mix-matched shoes, random stockings and hair accessories. I didn’t give a fuck. I needed to get out of that house before my father woke up, before the cops came, before anything else happened. I wanted to take my mother with me but she just sat down patiently on the bottom of the stairs and waited for me to leave. That was it. It felt like she was kicking me out. Like she was angry for beating to death the man that had caused her so much agony for so many years. Was it wrong that i felt disgusted? Was it wrong that i wanted to slap my mother for even having morals for a man that regarded her as property?
I thought about how hard it would be to pull my luggage with a now slightly messed up leg. My mother watched me struggle down the stairs by myself. She was in a daze, probably wondering if my father was okay, probably wondering if she should call the police. I knew she wouldnt. I knew that, unfortunately, he was still alive. I knew that as soon as his miserable eyes had opened, and that miserable scowl had appeared on his face, that she would come running to him, and kiss him and he’d curse at her and tell her to make her dinner. So when i walked past her, when i realized that i wasn’t even wearing any shoes, when i looked down at the blood on the shirt that was so warm and clean just 2 hours ago. I had decided then and there that i would leave my mother and this abusive man in this house for good. And i would try to feel no remorse. Because it was what she had wanted.
I reached for the handle of the front door. “Mom?” I whispered, biting my lip. I was a big girl now.
“What, Aana?” She whispered in an exasperated tone. Like my prescence had annoyed her.
I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed. “Your morals are bullshit…” I flung the door open and Harry and kylie stood before me. Kylie’s fist was raised as if she was just about to knock. I stared into her eyes and she stared back. Mascara drenched her perfect cheeks and her eyeliner was terribly smudged. Then I looked into Harry’s eyes. They were bright red as if he had been crying. “You guys..” I whispered and dropped onto my knees. I covered my face and tears gushed out. What i had been through was not another family fight. What i had been through was my emancipation. What i had endured for years on end, what i had refused to talk about, what i had refused to show, what i had tried so desperately to make perfect had finally experienced the anger that i had, pent up for more than a decade and a half. And the only people that were there for me were not even of my own blood. So yeah i cried. I cried my fucking eyes out and i deserved to.
I felt Harry’s strong arms lift me up, like i was a child. He put me on his back and i wrapped my legs around his torso. “Hold on tight, babe.” He whispered and i leaned forward and tightened my grip around his neck.
Kylie pulled my luggage and turned towards my mother. “Good luck Mrs. Chambers. Harry and i will take wonderful care of your daughter.” She didn’t wait for a response. She hastily walked away leaving the front door wide open. Letting the cold draft throughout the house that had already been freezing for my entire life.
“Is she still sitting there?” I sniffeled and rested my cheek on Harry’s shoulder.
“Yes.” Kylie murmured as her eyebrows drew together. “Forget her.”
______________________________________________________________________________
Kylie’s mothers cheeks were drenched when we burst through the front door.
“Oh Thank God.” She whispered and covered her mouth when she saw me on Harry’s back, with a slash mark down my arm and my feet soaking wet. “Harry, thank you. Put her upstairs and i’ll take care of the rest.”
Harry nodded and Kylie threw on an apron to assist her mother in the kitchen. “Harry. First Aid kit at the top of my closet. You know what to do.”
I was beginning to slip alittle. Harry tightened my legs around his torso and raced upstairs. When we got to Kylie’s room he sat me down on the bed and started to frantically search through Kylie’s closet. I watched him, my eyes were growing heavy so i decided to lean back and rest my head for a bit. I felt a stingy sensation on my arm. Harry had apparently found the kit and was now rubbing my scar with an alcohol pad. He then placed about 15 bandaids down my arm and then jumped and started to rummage through Kylie’s draw.
“Babe?” I felt myself say. He then sat down on the bed and gently slided a pair of socks onto each of my feet. I wriggled my toes and smiled. “All better.”
Harry stared at me. I could tell that he was angry with me but there was nothing i could do. I could tell that he wanted to give me the ‘you could’ve gotten yourself killed’ speech but i didn’t. I was perfect. I was stronger, even. Harry turned his head and i could tell he was about to get up and leave.
“Harry.” I said firmly.
“What?” He whispered, refusing to look at me.
I struggled to sit up. Harry sighed. Before he could lay me back down i managed to inch myself closer to him and wrap my arms around his neck. And before he could tell me that he wasn’t in the mood i pressed my lips to his and pulled him to me. My fingers ran through his curly hair. I felt his lips curve into a smile.
“I love you.” he whispered in between kisses. “But you’ve got to stop being so reckless.”
I laughed. “I’m not the reckless one.”
Harry pulled away and pushed my hair behind my ear. “Babe. You stabbed your father with a box-cutter. And…i don’t even know where the bat is.”
“Good” I smiled. “Now you know to never ever cheat on me.”
“Oh yeah?” Harry winked. “Should i be scared?” He smiled mischieviously.
I climbed ontop of Harry and stared him squarely in the eyes. “Stop teasing..” I pleaded and started to nibbled on his neck. He sucked his breath in sharply. My hands traveled smoothly down his chest.
“A-Aana.” He stuttered. “What if my aunt…”
“Shh.” I felt like a new person. I felt like i could conquer anything. Maybe it was because i had gotten through highschool. Maybe it was because i had finally gotten older. Maybe my mind was now caught up to my age. Or maybe it was a temporary thing. Maybe i had beaten my fears away along with my father but i would soon return back to the Aana who tried to please everyone, who envied her best friend. It didn’t matter because through this all, Harry was mine. He was the one thing i could brag about. The one thing that i was cocky about. His love, his lips, his hips, his hands, his eyes, they were all mine. I pushed forward onto my boy causing him to lean back with me on top of him.
“Aana, this is rape.” He whispered jokingly. I pressed my lips to his to shut him up. His had a firm grip of my ass. I sucked and bit endlessly onto his neck until a hickey had appeared.
I pulled back to admire my work and then Harry’s eyes widened. The door knob turned slightly and Harry tried to gentily push me off of him. He fixed his shirt and a fake smile crept onto our faces when we saw Kylie’s mom walk in with a tray of tea and some tylenol.
“Oh Harry good idea putting socks on her. I’m sorry Aana there was just so much going through my mind…” She sighed and placed the tray on the night stand “I love you as if you were my own. You know that. Right?”
Her eyes were of a deeper river than Kylie’s. They were full of wisdom and strife. Her smile curved into tiny dimples that rested perfectly on her chin. Her hair, that normally was pinned up into a beautiful bun, now tumbled down to brush at the middle arch of her back. I looked nothing like this woman but our heart’s matched more than her and Kylie’s ever could. She did not have to have the same dark eyes as me, she did not have to have my darkish brown hair and my pink-red lips. I stared into the eyes that would never match mine and whispered, “I love you too, mom.” I meant this with all my heart.
Kylie’s mom smiled deeper. “Harry. I’m sorry to bother you but the sidewalk is covered in snow and normally it wouldnt bother me but i know you guys leave in 2 days and Aana’s leg-“
“-I was actually thinking about that..” Harry said getting up. “I’m gonna grab my gloves and get to it.”
Kylie’s mom kissed Harry on the cheek and left.
“Get some rest babe.” He teased.
I pouted and reached for him like a child. “But i wanted to-“
”You did enough.” Harry smiled, pointing to the bulge in his pants. “thanks to you i have to go handle this in the bathroom.”
I giggled as Harry pretended to angrily storm out of the room. I propped my foot up on a pillow and then relaxed my entire body. My eyes felt heavy and so i alotted myself some much needed rest.
__________________________________________________________________________
The pain in my leg throbbed anxiously and eventually my eyes shot open. I pulled myself up and sat in bed for a moment. I looked at the clock and more than four hours had passed so i decided that i would go and seek out some pain killers. I limped out of Kylie’s room and i was perfectly fine until i reached the staircase. I was afraid of heights but i was equally aggrivated by the overwhelming pain that pulsated throughout me. My Hips shifted and i sat securely on the banister and slowly slid down. I had saw Kylie do this a myriad of times and at a much more faster, and dangerous pace so i felt accomplished when i reached the bottom without spraining anything. I was just about to seek Kylie’s mother out when i heard laughing coming from the kitchen. I followed the voices of Kylie and Harry and pressed my back to the opposite wall of the kitchen entrance.
“You’re such a dork.” Kylie snorted.
“Youuuuuuuuur mum?” Harry retorted.
I heard Kylie giggling and then a small slapping noise.
“Ow!” Harry pouted.
“Awh come on, don’t be a bitch” Kylie teased.
“No. No. I think you fill that job perfectly.” Harry murmured.
The room became silent and i heard a sigh escape Kylie’s lips. “Remember last summer?”
A rustling noise filled the short gap and finally i heard Harry respond. “What about it?” He said with a crunching noise following.
“Remember that light blue dress that i always wore-“
“The one that was so short that everyone thought it was a bathing suit” They both mused.
Harry chuckled. “Yeah..I do. That dress got you alot of attention. I practically had to hold your hand to make sure no one tried to abduct you.”
Kylie snorted. “Oh shut up. It wasn’t that bad. I just wonder…” She trailed off.
Another crunch escaped and filled the air. “Hmm?” Harry hummed.
“…Did you like that dress, Harry?”
Harry snorted. “It was a nice bathing suit.”
“Harry. I’m serious. Come on.” Kylie urged.
Harry sighed and laughed. “You can’t take me seriously with these things, Kylez. Yes. Okay? It was a very pretty dress.”
I could imagine Kylie’s facial expression. Her lips were probably thinned. Her eyes were probably squinted…
“Harry..” Kylie persisted.
“Mhm?”
“I wore that dress so much for a reason. I wanted to impress you…” Kylie confessed.
Harry laughed. “Whaaat?”
Kylie continued. “Yeah. I…sorta… had a crush on you back then…”
Once again the room went silent. I held my breath. She had a crush on him?
“But we’re cousins.” Harry responded, matter of factly.
Kylie sighed. “Oh come on Harry. You’re fucking adopted. We both know that.” She pushed.
“Welp.” Harry breathed. “It doesn’t matter now. That was the past right? It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s kinda adorable.”
Kylie let out a “Tch.” And then i leaned in slightly to see her blowing her hair out of her face. “Well now Harry,” Kylie whispered. “Now…i sorta..kinda…love you.”
“Awh, how sweet.” Harry said, munching on a chip. “I love you too Kylez.”
Kylie jumped up and leaned forward into Harry’s space. “Alright, that’s it. Harry. I love you as in…In love with you.”
Harry sighed. “Kylez. You know i’m-“
“What? With Aana? Yeah i know but…Harry. I saw you first. You saw me first.” Kylie placed her hand on his cheek. “Doesn’t this mean anything to you? Aana does this to you all the time.”
Harry munched on another chip and stared into Kylie’s eyes. “Your. Hand. Is. Cold.” He said.
Kylie rolled her eyes, sat back in her chair, and pouted. “What does Aana have that i don’t have…”
Harry rolled his eyes. “I don’t believe you right now. What is wrong with you?”
Kylie sighed. “I know she’s beautiful, and smart and stuff but i am too. Plus, i have charm, and i-“
“You’re fucking conceited.” Harry finished. “You want to know what Aana has that you don’t have? Aana has fucking dignity. If she was in your shoes she wouldn’t be confessing to her best friends boyfriend that she’s in love with him. She wouldn’t be flirting with him and then go and smile in her face later on. You shouldve told Aana how you felt, not me. I’m not leaving her for you. I don’t know. What, do you think this is ‘lets make Kylie fucking happy all the time by always giving her her own way’ show? No Kylie. You have to learn that just because you’re beautiful and just because you’re blond and just because you like to make believe that you’re like this supreme head bitch in charge, does not mean that every guy on the face of this earth will like you. Why would you even…” Harry pushed the chips away and his eyebrows furrowed. “Why would you even try to take my baby away from me…” He finally whispered. “I mean, i don’t know. I thought it was obvious. I thought my feelings for her were overtly obvious…i’m madly in love i can’t even” Harry breathed again “..finish my sentences…Don’t you see what she does to me? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” A silence passed and Harry placed his hand on Kylie’s “But no one could ever take her place.”
I turned away. I had heard enough. Too much even. I didn’t know if i should have felt different about Kylie or if i should have felt guilty. Old Aana was returning. The Aana that felt like she shouldve known or realized Kylie’s feelings from the beginning. All the times that she interrupted Harry and I, the sudden mood swings. Everything made sense now. I felt like complete and total shit. I limped back up the stairs and sat on the top step. I would tell no one that i overheard their conversation. I would pretend like everything was normal. And…i would break up with Harry.
Just then Harry and Kylie both left the kitchen. Kylie’s face was flushed with anger, or sadness, i couldnt tell. She ran up the stares and smiled. “Love youuu” She sang and hurried past me. I heard her room door slam behind me. She didnt blast linkin park, she didn’t scream at the top of her lungs inside of her pillow. Complete silence passed from her doorway and throughout the house. It was never this quiet.
Harry came and sat next to me. He grabbed my hand. My lip quivered. My best friend was in love with him. How could i continue to hold on to him when she wanted him first.
Harry stared into my eyes and smirked. “I meant everything i said…”
He knew. Somehow, Harry knew that i was there the whole time.
My mouth opened but Harry shushed me.
“I saw you right when i just finished talking to her…it was kind of embarrassing actually” He blushed. “Now you think you’re all important and stuff.” He said and softly chuckled.
A smile uncontrollably crept onto my face and i playfully pushed Harry. “Do you think she’s just sitting there, in her room?”
“Yes.” Harry whispered and pulled me into his arms. “Forget her.”
Chapter 8
When i said i would make dinner i didnt expect Harry to watch my every move.
I didn’t expect him to rest his head on his hand and his vibrant eyes to flicker to
my every position. And, out of the corner of my eye i saw him slightly wet his lips when
i bent over to gather the pots. I thought i had reached a point in my relationship with Harry that i was the one who was solely fascinated. I thought that my mind was the main harbinger of vivid, dirty fantasys that i’d never be able to conjure into reality, i thought that i had developed this obscene, unrequited obsession that i would eventually have to embarrassingly admit. But now…now watching him, watching me, i could see that their existed a mutual adoration for eachother. That i was possibly not completely alone in this feeling. “Harry…” I said and turned to smile at him, resting my arms against the counter.
“Hmm?” He said, his eyes flashing up to meet mines. We stared, like we always do. He bit his lip and i dug my nails into the counter. We were horny teenagers in love, unafraid of the consequences of our sexual escapades. I had only laid with him once and yet it felt as if i knew the confines of his body perfectly. As if i could sense his every urge, as if his body was symbiotically created to interact with mine. As if we were…married. “What?..” Harry smirked.
I snapped out of it, my smile broadened and i felt my face get hot but i knew that my skin was too brown for him to notice me blushing. “The way you look at me…” I whispered.
Harry however could blush and when the pink spread across his face he quickly looked away from me. “I’m sorry..I didn’t mean to-” A silence passed. Eventually his eyes rose and this time they were filled with a different aura, temptation maybe. “Well..actually, I sorta can’t help it, now” he whispered.
The tea kettle boiled which broke the intensity, causing me to tend to the scoiling hot water. My back was turned away from him but i continued to smile only to hear him smirking behind me. He knew everything about me, it was actually quite frightenening.
“You know…” Harry started.
I turned around and made quick eye contact before continuing to fiddle with the tea. “yeah..?”
”..You know..she is my cousin..” He continued. I set a cup of green tea on the table and sat down facing him. “She’s your best friend too.” He said. He picked up the cup and blew on the tea before gently making small slirps. “Mm..” he whispered. I was delighted that he enjoyed my tea. I shouldv’e been paying more attention to the conversation than to his lips. “Aana…i haven’t been honest with you, though.”
Harry was the type of genuine boy who would tell you the truth and then would proceed to help you through your every dilemma, to battle your every demon. He was the kind of person who wante to die knowing that people trusted him, that he impacted at least one life. Which is why he would perfect, famous. I could never imagine him spiraling out of control, of losing his identity through stardom. So when my boy told me that he hadn’t been honest with me, i wasn’t scared. I smiled and leaned into him. “Spill,” i delicately prompted.
He equally leaned into me too. “I..don’t know how to say this. But, i feel like if i don’t, that this will forever haunt me. Because maybe Kylie wasn’t completely wrong when she said she had me first.” Harry paused. “During the summer..before i even met you, before i knew you existed. I..her and i..used to sneak off to kiss..” He sucked in a breath “But then i felt bad about it because she was my cousin. We related through legal means so it still felt…horrible. And so i told her how i felt and it resulted in a big argument. It was so bad that i decided to leave, and she came back up here. Months passed. In like, i dunno, September, she called me up and she apologized and i listened. I told her that…maybe had i felt a connection with her..i don’t know. But, honestly, it was just the two of us. We were so close all the time, always..kissing in secret. I didn’t feel anything though. And then,” Harry swallowed. He rested his elbows on the table and put his head in between his hands. “Don’t be mad okay?..” I didn’t answer to him though. At this point I wasn’t even mad. I was so, so very hurt. “I know its selfish to ask of you but…promise that you’ll still love me after this? Because i know what love feels like. I could kiss a million girls right now and not feel anything but with you it’s like…i never want to pull away. I never get bored of anything about you. I never know what you’re going to do or say..theres no way to chategorize you or map you out..it’s frustrating, its amazing..” He tugged at his hair tighter. “Ugh..Aana…last summer…Kylie pressured me to sleep with her…i know how odd this sounds, you don’t even have to believe me..but i did it..and, i didn’t even love her..not before, not after, not ever…”
Chapter 9
“Honestly”, Harry continued, “i didnt even know why i did it. I understand if you’re mad, Aana, please-“
“you slept with her?” I whispered.
“Aana, i didn’t even know you and i would ever become a couple..and i told you, i was forced..”He pressed.
“You slept with her?” I repeated myself, louder this time.
“Aana-” Harry started.
I slammed my fist on the table, got up, and bolted up the stairs towards Kylie’s room. Harry jogged behind me muttering curse words under his breath. The cold door knob of her room turned in my hand. I didn’t find a reason to knock, i was beyond angry, beyond betrayed. What i felt in my heart at this moment was utter confusion. I peeked my head through her door. She was laying on her bed, throwing her stress ball into the air at a methodic pace. She turned her head towards me and rolled her eyes, some of the books that she piled sloppily beside her wall tumbled to the floor with a slight ‘thump’ noise that caused her to groan. ‘Catcher in the Rye’ slid gently down the messy pile and fell to my feet. I picked it up and starred at the cover before looking her sternly in the eyes.
” What.Aana” She said in a monotone voice. She clenched at her bright red stress ball and tossed it up and down, each time aiming for the ceiling.
I stared at her and then at the mess of books that acted as a rudimentary blockade between us. “We need to…” i groaned, carefully trying to climb over the fallen mound of precious literary works. When i finally reached her bed, i leaned on the frame for support, took a breath and stood upright in what little foot space was available, “We need to talk”.
Harry stacked the books with each step that he took into her room. He was so desperately trying to remain busy while avoiding eye contact between the both of us.
Kylie sat up straight and sighed. She pulled her scrunchy from her hair and the tiny strands that created a grand messy bun now spilled down her back. She stared down at the hair ornament and lowered her voice. “I suppose Harry has convinced you, then, of how much of a bitch i am?”
Sympathy, pity. I always fell for it. Someone could bump into me on purpose in school and make me drop my books, i could be tripped while on my way to my locker, someone could put gum in my usual seat at lunch, they could even copy my homework and never say a single ‘thanks’. I’d get mad and i’d want to speak up but then they’d always DO…this. They’d always start crying or they’d start to give me some lecture about an unforunate event in their lives..trying to justify the way that they are. And, of course i’d nod and then it’d forever be okay to belittle me, manipulate me, to lie to me. This is exactly what Kylie was doing to me. She was being like everyone else.
“Look at you. Contemplating as always.” She said. We were glaring at eachother now. “It was a simple fling, anyway” she said sighing. “Nothing serious happened. Nothing worth mentioning. Nothing ground breaking. Nothing-“
“Except that you and Harry sorta slept together, right? Actually, no, not sorta. You did. You absolutely did.”
A tiny grin appeared on her face and a small laugh escaped her lips.
“I’ve seen you like this, you know? With other people. I’ve seen you steal peoples boyfriends, i’ve seen you drunk through the night, so close to hooking up with so many unknown guys…you know how many times i’ve pulled you away, out of those situations.” My voice shook. I clenched my fist and gripped the bed frame with my other hand. “It takes two people to have sex,” i turned to Harry, “You weren’t forced and she’s not innocent. You two had consentual sex because you wanted to.”
Kylie grinned wider, her eyes narrowed and her lips parted. “You told her i forced you? Aana, if you believe that then you’re stupider than i-“
“Shut the fuck up and let me finish…” I said, now digging my nails into the mahogonny of her bed frame. “Truth is. I don’t care what you guys did or didn’t do before me. I don’t care how wild, how enjoyable, how amazing it was. I don’t care how many times you two did it, where you did, what position you did it. I don’t care. Harry is mine now. MINE. I never used to get why women always got so..territorial over their men. NOW i understand.”
Kylie shrugged and she was fully smiling now, her ocean blue painted fingers pressed slightly to her cheek. “So then if you don’t care why are you bitching?”
I believe that it was at this moment that my best friend had completely changed. I believe here comes a time where a person has to choose whether to make their good habits dominate their lives or to let their evil qualities devour their souls completely. For two thirds of my life i had grown with this girl, i had helped her through seemingly impossible trials, as she had aided me. For two thirds of my life we hadn’t let my father, or my mother, her obsessed ex-boyfriend, the jealous girls at our school, or our differing personalities change how we feel about eachother. And now, to let a single male specimen rip that into shreds, to annihalate our tightly woven together friendship and to ignite it into a burning hatred was absolutely unacceptable. For years she had been all i needed in my life. But she was no longer the only one in my life. She had to share me and, beyond her seemingly tough exterior, all the walls that she put up, i could tell that that hurt her. It brought an abundance of tears to my eyes “Because.” i whispered, trying to keep the tears from spilling over the brim of my dark lashes, “If you loved him, why would you give him to me..”
Kylie looked away. The grin faded quickly off of her face. She grabbed her arm and leaped up, running out of the room. I followed her, down the stair case, through the living room, past the kitchen entrance and to the front door. I could see from the side of her face that her black mascara was ruined. She could never help crying whenever i started. Thus the chain reaction of teenage hearts. She yanked the door open. It was snowing again. The flurries slightly blinded me, i squinted my eyes and looked back. Harry stood in the doorway, his head was slightly down, his jaw tensed.
Kylie used her arm to shield her eyes, she stepped out into the street and turned to me. “STOP FOLLOWING ME! YOU ALWAYS DO THAT! YOU JUST WANT MY LIFE! ADMIT IT YOU’RE JEALOUS!”
Sobbs escaped from her. I stood in awe. I could not fathom her words. “Kylie..” i pleaded.
“YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME AA-“
A black car whipped through the street. The snow flurried around me in a circle. I looked at the spot where Kylie was standing. The car sped right through it. I turned to my side and gripped my hand, her hand was firmly interlocked in between my own. She shivered.
“Be careful next time…” i whispered to her. Tears filled her eyes and she clung to me.
“I’m sorry, i didnt expect for you two to fall in love.” She whispered in my ear. “I only knew that he was funny and that he’d make you smile but i didn’t think he’d ever be good enough for you. No one is. I got jealous of your relationship. He takes up so much of your time, he makes you laugh. He cheers you when you’re sad. He gives you advice….He took my place in three days, Aana. I’ve never been so scared of losing anyone so much in my life. I can’t stand it. I just want him to go away already…” Her body heaved in my arms.
Harry trudged over to us. He shivered violently yet he wrapped his arms around us.
“I HATE YOU!” Kylie sobbed, pressing into his chest. She dug her nails into his shirt and squeezed my hand.
I bit my bottom lip but fat tears still spilled out. I looked into Harry’s eyes and i too pressed my self into his chest. We were just emotional teenagers tormented by the elements within us and ignorant of the elements around us. I was never a full master of my own emotions. I have yet to meet someone that is.
Chapter 10
The sun burned my eyes and goose bumps raised on my skin. I turned over, my bed was empty and the shower was running. It was like the morning i had lost my virginity. It was calm until i had ruined it, that morning. My legs swung over the bed, my feet dangled, and my hair was fuzzy from a restless sleep. I wobbled to the floor, the window showed a tiny glance of my reflection. I looked a mess. I starred for a while, the shower stopped and my heart skipped a beat. I gulped. Harry emerged from the bathroom sporting a waist-towel. He looked up at me and blushed. We were still getting used to eachother. That honeymoon feeling still lingered and it was heavy on my heart. Wanting him every second of the day became a regular necessity.
“I feel…married” he laughed.
“Married?” i rushed. “To…to me?” I retorted, my eyes widened and i pointed a finger to my chest.
Harry looked around and walked over to me. He placed his hands firmly around my waist. “I don’t see anyone else in this room, besides you.”
I held my breath. His lips lightly brushed mines. I was embarrassed, i hadnt had the opportunity to brush my teeth and he was already trying to get frisky. My hand covered my mouth.
“I didnt brush my teeth yet” I murmured from behind my fingers.
Harry beamed. A small chuckle escaped his lips. “For better or for worse” he mused.
I rolled my eyes and escaped to the bathroom where i fully assessed myself in the full length mirror. I filled my mouth with listerine and cleansed it to the best of my ability. That, honestly, was as good as it would get until tomorrow. I had developed a disgusting habit of sleeping in ‘last nights cloths’ instead of changing into a night gown, or..or lingerie. Guys liked lingerie. But Harry was weird. He liked everything about everyone. It sounded ideal but it made it nearly impossible to extremely please him. He was so content with everything all the time. I thought this while i tucked my hair into a shower cap. I turned the knobs of the tub and an instant spray of warm water trickled over me. I was gritty from the lack of bathing. That was another thing i didnt understand. His ability to love me despite how unlady like i could be at times. I sighed and in a quick moment my lingering turned into shock.
“EEP!” I yelped. Harrys fingers traced down my stomach. I could feel my face getting hot. I shivered at his touch. “Ehrm…” i peeped, “W-what are you doing in my shower?”
Harry laughed softly and rested his chin on my sholder. His lips were close to my neck. We stood there and we breathed. His chest rose faintly against my shoulder blades. I covered my breasts and my genitals with my hands. I was still so innocent in a way. I had given myself completely to this boy yet i still felt the need to preserve my body. A loud banging noise on the bedroom door made me jump slightly.
“Harry, Aana.” I heard Kylies mother call our names. It was completely disrespectful, in my mind, to be nude in the shower with her nephew. A million legitimate excuses ran through my mind. My lips parted but i was interrupted by Harry’s louder voice.
“We’re in the shower, Auntie.” He called. Doomed. I was absolutely doomed. Kylie’s mother would never look at me the same ever, ever again. I turned off the water and proceeded to hurry out the shower. Harry grabbed me by my waist and spun me around. He pressed me against the shower wall and pressed himself against me. His lips forcefully opened mines and we kissed. Everytime i pushed him away he kissed me more passionately. I couldnt say that i didn’t like it, i just deeply didnt understand it.
When hefinally pulled away from me, we both gasped endlessly for air. “Whats gotten into you.” I croaked. I could feel that, as angry as i tried to see, a smile was already on my lips.
Harry didnt answer. Instead, he opened the curtains and reached for his previous towel. It was big enough to wrap around the both of us. I began to see how he was entirely right. It felt like a new marriage, with our arms wrapped around eachothers waists, leaving the bathroom together.
My heart dropped, however, when i saw a little note on our bed with an array of colorful condoms.
I picked up the letter and read aloud. ‘Harry, wrap your willy, young man. Aana, be safe sweetie’.
Harry’s hand covered his face, his shoulders heaved, he snorted, a squeak of laughter escaped through the barrier of fingers, and then full fledged laughter took over his body. “Wrap your willy” he repeated.
I blushed and my brows furrowed together. “You should’ve just kept quiet. She didn’t have to know that we were both in the shower.”
Harry shrugged. “Whats there to hide. She probably already knew”
My lips pressed together. ” I’d like to think she didnt!”
His eyes pulled up to mines. He fluttered his lashes and an even wider smiled filled his cheeks. “If you kiss me, i’ll promise to make it better.”
A violent shiver crept up my spine. The suitcase full of warm close called to me. I snatched the towel from Harry and wrapped it solely around me. He flexed causing me to roll my eyes in pretend disguest. I dug through the pile of clothes to find a sweatsuit. Tonights clothes would become tomorrows outfit and tomorrow marked the first day of Harry’s official career as a pop idol. The thought made my stomach turn. i clenched at the clothes in my hand and eventually i turned to Harry.
“Don’t look at me.” I demanded.
“What?” Harry said raising an eyebrow.
“You heard me.” I said, i stood up and faced him. “I’m getting changed, s..so dont look” i stuttered.
Harry crossed his arms. He had already managed to throw on a pair of fresh boxers. His eyebrow was still raised. “I’ve seen you naked before, Aana. I just saw you naked like two minutes ago.”
I lowered my eyes and sighed. I could tell that he wouldn’t budge. He wanted to fulfill that marrital role to capacity. He wanted me to magically feel comfortable being in the nude around him. “Where’s my ring.” I mused. I looked up and switched my mouth to the left.
Harry chuckled. “So now i need a ring to see you naked?”
I nodded. “yep. you’re the one who said you felt ‘married’. So where is the ring?”
Harry rolled his eyes and turned away from me. I saw his right dimple concave into his face. My towel dropped to the floor and i hastily started to clothe myself. Harry’s head turned slightly towards me.
“No peeking!” i commanded.
He sighed and turned away again. “This is retarded” he mumbled.
“What, your face?” I retorted. My pants were on and i pulled my arms through my ‘Help For Heroes’ hoody. I combed through my hair a fww times and finally i looked presentable. “Okay pretty boy, i’m done.”
His eyes rested on me like he was looking at a brand new baby. I swallowed. “You always do this” i managed to say.
“I absolutely can not help it. I don’t want to help it.” He said, his voice was husky and low.
I shook my head and made my way for the door. But then i stopped myself. This would not become another awkward situation in which i would run away from my feelings. I was entitled to express myself. No one asked for me to become a robot. I was the one shunning myself away from my own emotions. And that was wrong. You continue to deny the people you love and the feelings that you have until you have them no more. What good does that get you except for one less experience and a shit load of regrets. “I love you” I murmured. I held onto the doorknob for support but i refused to turn around. “Let me know when you’re done getting dressed o-“
I felt his arms hugging across my chest. I could feel the cotton of his jumpsuit brush against my cheek. “Love you back.” He whispered in my ear.
I smiled and turned the doorknob. We clumsly emerged from the room, and waddled awkwardly down the hallway. His hands were thrust threw my jumpsuit pockets. With every step i took, he followed. From the balcony of the top stairs i could see that the tree was up and a myriad of presents scattered the floor. Kylie was busy going at the presents with scissors. I turned to Harry, he smiled again. “You knew-
“Shh..theres a special present waiting for you.” He whispered.
I gulped. My hand traced the polished banister covered with christmas ribbons. The house looked divine. I assessed everything as i descended the stair case. It had been hard to imagine that just yesterday i had pulled Kylie from a collision with a speeding car. It had been hard to imagine how anyone would be capable of decorating and shopping and cooking and baking, just for christmas eve. But then again, this was a magical family…my family.
Kylie looked up at me as she ripped at more presents. “FINALLY! IT TOOK YOU LOSERS FOREVERRRRR TO COME DOWNSTAIRS!” She yelled.
Her mother came and rested gingerbread cookies on the sidetable. “She’s been at that one present for 15 minutes. Why don’t you just get Harry to open it for you, Kylz.”
The present was now in between her teeth. “GRR!” She growled, attempting to unwrap it with a new tatic.
Her mother softly chuckled. “Oh. I almost got so caught up in nostalgia…” She breathed and opened the draw of the side table. “Harry was a bit shy, thats why he’s gone off to hide until you opened this,” she said pulling out a tiny present.
Kylie stopped what she was doing. I held the present carefully in the palms of my hand. “What is it?” I said looking up at her.
“Open it,” She winked.
I took a deep breath and pulled the top off of the decorated present box. A silver ring with a tiny diamond sat preciously in the holder. My heart skipped a beat. I closed my eyes. ‘It feels like…we’re married’ i heard his voice repeat in my head. On the inside of the band there was a small inscription. It read ‘forever yours. forever young’. I hastily slid the ring on my ring finger. It fit perfectly.
Kylie jumped up from the couch and grabbed my hand. She examined the ring closely and then pulled me in her arms. “It’s official! Now, no future Harry fan could ever take your place. You’re engaged!”
The word ran through my head. Harry had made his way quietly down the stairs to see my reaction. He cleared his throat and winked at me as he walked past us to the door. The doorbell rang as soon as he got there, he pulled the door open. A few fluries of old snow rushed inside and Simon Clover stood on the inside of the doorstep.
“Shut the door for me lad. It’s bloody cold out there.” Simon croaked. Harry closed the door. Simon removed his long black pea coat and hung it on the coat rack. He brushed the snow out of his hair. “Sorry mum,” He apologetically said to Kylies mom. She responded with a forced smile.
“This is my manager, Auntie” Harry explained.
Simon made his way over to Kylie’s mom and shook her hand. “Simon Clover. Synergie records. Nice to meet you. Lovely home you have ‘ere.”
She smiled. “Well, i do try.”
“And you succeed” he retorted. Kylie raised her eyebrow and her cheeks flushed. He was clearly flirting with her mother, she cleared her throat causing Simon to turn to her. “You must be Kylie. Harry told me all about you.” Simon prompted. “Spitting image of your mum. You’re a true beaut indeed. I might be able to launch you in the modeling business if we play our cards right with Mr. Styles, here.”
Kylie rolled her eyes. “You and Harry are bffl now? No, sorry, not interested.”
Simon chuckled. “Feisty too. No matter. Your cousin will be rich soon enough. You’ll want to share in your own fame too. Just you wait.”
I bit my lip. Simon looked out the corner of his eye toward my direction and then he completely turned around as if he missed something. “My, my. You must be darling Aana.” He said, slowly approaching me. “Stunning as ever, although alittle chubbier than i imagined. No matter, nothing a bit of hollywood cardio can’t fix…”
Kylie gasped. I lowered my head.
“She’s fine the way she is, sir” I heard Harry pitch in.
“Perfect, actually” Kylie’s mom added.
“And brilliant, too” Kylie piped.
Simon turned to them and raised his eyebrows slightly. “Yes, yes, she is a beaut but she’s a bit too chubby and thats the truth.”
I cleared my throat. My voice was small. “Too chubby to be with Harry…?” I questioned.
Simon rubbed at his chin. “Well, realistically-“
“What’s the nature of your business, anyway, Mr. Clover? I thought they weren’t due to leave until tomorrow.” Kylie’s mom said, her arms were folded against her chest, her lips were pursed.
“Right then. Theres more snow for the new york forecast for tomorrow and, honestly, christmas is a bit too busy anyway. So I’ve come to pick them up today. By the way, Harry,” Simon said winking in Harry’s direction, “I see shes gotten the ring. Great choice. I hope i sent you enough.”
Harry dug in his pocket and pulled out a large stack of money. “Actually, sir, you gave me more than enough. Thank you.”
Simon’s brows drew together. “Ehrm…why are giving me back the money. It’s yours, lad.”
“But i didn’t even-“
“YOU HEARD THE MAN, IT’S YOURS !” Kylie hushed Harry.
Simon laughed and clapped his hands together. “Well now, i certainly do hope to be a pest but i hope your bags are packed munchkins. We have a bit of a ride to leguardia airport in the limo.”
The room got quiet. Kylie tied her shoelaces and made her way to the stair case. “Gee mister. You really know how to ruin christmas. Everyone is packed, ill bring the suit cases down.”
Simon sighed. “Would you like to ride with us?” He directed towards Kylies mom.
“No.” She said flatly.
Harry made his way over to me. I grabbed at his sleeve and we formed a small huddle.
“Babe, you are not chubby. You are beautiful.” He automatically started.
I sighed. “I know what i am, Harry, i’m chubby. If i wasn’t he would have offered me to model too. Look. I’m afraid of heights Harry. I don’t think i can do this. I cant board that plane. Maybe i’ll just stay here with your Aunt and-“
“Ready!” Kylie called from the front of the house. She was already at the door with all of our luggage. Harry pulled me towards the door too where Kylies mother waited. I sighed. I wasn’t ready for another emotional episode. I was never well at saying goodbye. We all shared a giant hug. Small sobbs escaped from her. Kylie started crying too and Harry bit at his lip. I tried to be the strong one but my lip quivered too.
“Mom,” i mused, through the quivering of my voice, “We’ll be back soon, in Another December.”
She nodded and kissed my forehead. We made our way out the door. A man dressed in black loaded our luggage into the limo and escorted us inside. I could see Simon still standing in the doorway of Kylie’s home talking with Kylie’s mother. She held a folder that Simon opened. He leafed through a couple of pages. He signed some, and she signed some. Within five minutes the deal was sealed, Harry now legally belonged to Synergie records. Simon shook her hand and made his way to the car. He grabbed at the neck of his coat to keep himself warm. She waved out at us. We pressed our faces to the tinted glass like lost puppies. The car door slammed and we drove away from our former lives.
