Chapter 19

A shiver traveled up and down my spine. My mouth grew dry. I tried to swallow but my throat burned with fiery consequence. “Wait,” I said. I grabbed onto Dr. Green’s sleeve and held it for dear life. My mind was spinning. The seconds of darkness that surrounded the blinking of my eyes felt more like hours, hours of being engulfed by insanity, uncertainty. Dr. Green’s mouth twisted.

“Are you okay?” I saw his lips form the words. I knew he said it, I knew he was capable of speech. I just couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t hear anything except for the pounding of my heart in my ears, and the strained rising and collapsing of my lungs. Again I swallowed, again my throat protested. I nodded.

“Your friends are waiting outside.” He mouthed.

 I was out of it. I felt myself slipping into a trance. Again I blinked. Again darkness fell. When my head turned and my eyes opened, I saw Kylie smiling and Harry covered with a deep blush across his cheeks. My eyes then traveled up thin legs and a small frame. They took in pale white skin that glowed against the dull hospital walls. Dusty rose lips, steel blue eyes and sandy blonde hair starred back at me. Alex smirked. My eyes fluttered. It felt as if oxygen had been forced into my lungs. I gasped. Everything stopped spinning. Sounds filtered back in, conversations continued. Alex nodded towards me.

“I’m scared!” I blurted out.

Silence filled the room. This time it was real. I starred into Alex’s being. I blinked but this time i didn’t notice the darkness.

“I’m scared.” I repeated. “I don’t know the first thing about caring for a baby. I don’t know the first thing about caring for me.”

Dr. Green glanced at the tiny nurse who nodded and like clockwork cleared the room. Even Harry was told to leave. I smoothed a rogue strand of hair behind my ear. Dr. Green took his usual seat on the side of my bed. I took a breath.

“Aana,” Dr. Green said, looking deeply into my eyes. His tone of voice was calm but serious. “Aana do you think I’d let you just walk out of here, pregnant, without knowing the first step on what to do with your life, and with your baby’s?” He paused. “Give me some credit. I wouldn’t be much of a doctor had i been cruel like that.”

Dr. Green put his hand on my shoulder. He had a way of calming me down within seconds. I began to wonder that perhaps he did not choose the profession of being a doctor, perhaps the profession chose him.

“So what do i do? Read pamphlets and books and go to classes and watch videos, like they do in those movies where they make everything seem so perfect? Is it really that easy? No.” I sighed. “Sorry, that was a dumb question…actually, what I meant was, does all of that stuff actually work?”

Dr. Green smiled softly. “Yes, and no. None of those things work if you truly don’t even want the baby. If five, or ten, or twenty years from now, you’re not going to look at the child and feel like they were worth the pain the struggle and the tears. Not if you truly just don’t care.”

My lips parted. Dr. Green raised his finger and touched my chest firmly. “So that’s what you have to ask yourself, Aana. ‘Do I truly want a baby’? Because having a child is not something that just goes away. It’s like having a tattoo. You can hide it all you want but when you’re stripped of everything there the truth is, on your skin, visible and as clear as anything. Make sure your decision comes from here,” He said, poking at my chest again.

I nodded. “I want this child.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“No. No I’m not. But…” I licked my lips and my eyebrows drew together. “But so far all I’ve done this whole trip is follow my guts. My guts say go, I go. If my heart happens to agree then that’s all the better. When I first got on the plane I was scared…but Harry, he reassured me everything would be fine. And my heart and my guts said to trust him. And I did. And here I am today pursuing his dream..no wait…I’m pursuing my dream too. I don’t think this was supposed to be mapped out perfectly. In fact, I look forward to cracks in the road. They level me so that I don’t get so high off of…this,” I said pointing out the window, “All of this glamour and fame and money. I feel like when I’m totally unsure and unaware and scared, I make the best decisions.” I put my hand to my stomach, “So keeping him..or her must be the best decision I’ve ever made in my life because I’m absolutely terrified.”

When Dr. Green smiled at me, his eyes lit up. This time he said nothing. This time, he just nodded. I knew that we both believed that I had made the right decision. This was more than just a question of morals and standards. Of conduct and of consequences. The child that I was carrying inside of me was a bastion of hope: it was the ultimate test. I was given this child solely for the reason so that I can be a better parent than my mother and my father, and Amber and Charlie. My child would not be deemed a mistake, but a lesson. A lesson in which I would learn how to talk more and listen less, to fight more and cry less; It now dawned on me that I would have to delve into the confines of me and pull myself from out of myself and to allow the inner-most vulnerable, most toughest, most raw part of me dominate. That, that honesty, that pureness, that, I believe, is what truly being yourself is about.

 ”S-send them in, please.” I stammered. “They are all apart of me just as much as my child is, don’t you agree?”

Once again Dr. Green nodded as he rose towards the door and disappeared through the threshold. For those brief seconds I was alone. I sat and I waited. Just as I had waited for the mysterious van to pick Kylie up that hot summer day. Perhaps that was the day that everything truly began. I smirked to myself as I thought about the numerous amount of possibilities that we are presented with each second. Each second is a supposition. Suppose I were to faint right now, suppose my friends were to leave the hospital right now, suppose I were to jump out of the wide window next to me, the breeze so calming, so welcoming.

If fleeting thoughts were to perhaps all turn into actions they would result in a large loss of life. Therefore that is my reasoning that we all have some type of common sense. And that perhaps the homicides and suicides, the genocides and Nobel prizes were not just mistakes, or…or defects of the human psyche, but perhaps they were desired actions..no, strongly desired actions that can not be justified. Just as my child is not a mistake, but a result of my actions, my desires. Or perhaps, maybe, I was equating him or her to too much, too soon, for the light had not yet even touched its skin yet and I am already holding him or her to the sky. I bit my lip, time alone did this to me quite often, I thought too much. Where was everyone?

Suddenly, the door swung open. Kylie waltzed in the room and sat in the chair beside my bed. Alex positioned himself directly next to me on the left side of my bed while Harry sat on my right. I turned to either side of me and entwined my fingers in between both of theirs. I saw them look at each other. Both jaws clenched. I looked up at them and then straight ahead towards Dr. Green. I felt a faint smile radiate from both beings: they had finally come to a peaceful impasse.

“Let’s begin,” Dr. Green started, “I’m going to give you a glossing of pregnancy, how to deal with it in its different stages, and how to help Aana through this painful but beautiful process in her life.”

I sighed happily and unlocked my fingers from my boys. I curled up between them like a cat. I was so very, very tired for some reason. One of the boys petted me, a tiny twitch ran through me. Their voices faded in and out.

”..And she’ll do that a lot. She’ll be with you one minute, and the next you’ll find her asleep….perfectly normal…pregnant women sleep quite a bit…make sure she eats,” I heard Dr. Green ramble on as my mind drifted off into my favorite place.

__________________________________________________________________________________

I arose with my hand on my lower back, wobbled a bit before Kylie and Alex rushed to steady me, and smiled down at the pressure weighing down on my bladder.

“Okay, Okay, Okay,” Alex nervously shifted through my purse to make sure I had everything. “Okay I think we’re ready to go. Lets get her in the car.”

“Wait!” Kylie shouted. “Where’s Harry?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “If he’s not here by now then I think we should leave because, like always, he’s going to be late.”

“But he’s the father.” Kylie said firmly. “I think he’d want us to wait for him.”

I closed my eyes as they began to bicker and I pulled myself from their grasp. I was steadied on my own when finally I turned to them and spoke. “Guys, it’s an ultrasound. We’re just going to find out the sex of the baby. One of you can call Harry and if he can’t make it, its fine, we’ll just tell him the sex later on when he gets here.”

Alex rolled his eyes again and pulled out his phone. “Oh I’ll call him alright.”

“No!” I laughed. “No, that’s quite alright. Kylie can take care of this one, I’m sure.”

Kylie nodded, pulled out her blackberry, and disappeared into the back room of the condo.

I locked eyes with Alex. He reached his hand out and then quickly withdrew it. I laced my hands in between his and rested it atop my burgeoning belly.

“Can you believe in four more months you’ll be ready to come out?” he said to my stomach.

“Now you’re scaring me.” I said laughing.

He smiled. “I’m sorry.” He said, and put a hand on my shoulder. “You know I’ll be there, though. That’s what friends are for.”

I looked at his hand on my shoulder and pressed my hand to his cheek. “We’re not friends. Well, I mean…I don’t consider you as a friend.” I said slowly.

Alex chuckled. “Neither do I. But It’s not like I can tell you how I feel. If I did, it wouldn’t change a thing right now…the way things are and everything.”

“You don’t know that,” I said. “Tell me.”

Our gaze intensified.

“Aana, I-“

“He can’t make it,” Kylie shouted from the back room. Her voice reached us before she could. She picked up  my purse and held the front door open for us. “He said He’s stuck at the studio, he apologized a thousand times. But he can’t make it. I’m sorry, Aana.”

I shuffled out of the doorway, my hand still pressed against my lower back. “It’s fine,” I smiled. “Just as long as he’s there on the day that counts.”

Alex rushed ahead of me to hail the elevator. “Don’t you realize, Aana,” he said, once again locking eyes with me, “Every day with you counts.”
__________________________________________________________________________________

Lights overhead rushed past me in a confusing blur. I heard a myriad of voices and noises but all I could concentrate on was the pain in my womb. Tears escaped my eyes. I felt the urge to scream but the pain made me absent of a voice, I whimpered instead.

I felt myself jerk to a stop. A nurse pierced the bare skin of my arm with a needle. I felt nothing. The pain of child bearing overcame all of my senses.

“Breathe, Aana.” A voice broke through the barrier. “Breathe, just like we practiced.” My head rolled in the direction of the voice. Alex stood above me.

“Breathe,” He said again as he acted out how he wanted me to breathe.

I mimicked him.

He nodded and smiled. “Dr. Green is going to deliver the baby.”

“Where’s…Harry” I managed to squeak out.

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “Kylie’s outside on the phone with him now, I’m not sure If…” Alex smiled “Just, don’t worry about him right now, Aana. Worry about giving life to your daughter, first.”

My daughter.

My daughter.

My daughter.

The words rang through my head. I laughed a little.
Yes, I was about to give birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I breathed.

The pain worsened. Dr. Green came in.

Everything seemed to slip past me: time, sanity, tears. I focused on his directions only.
When he said push, I pushed. When he said to relax, I relaxed.
All the while Alex stood right by me, his hand in mine. He smiled at me to give me reassurance.

The last stroke of pain was broken by a crack of a crying child. She was lifted from me, bloody and alive. I cried, too.

Dr. Green disappeared with her for a while.

I still couldn’t speak, I just starred at Alex.

Dr. Green returned with her all bundeled up, and she was placed in my arms.
Tears escaped my eyes again.

“Well,” Dr. Green interrupted. “What shall you name her?”

My lips parted. I turned to Alex. “Well…I” I stuttered. “Well Harry wanted to name her the day of. But…He’s not…Here.”

Alex turned to me. “Shes yours,” He said. “You name her.”

I nodded. My mouth switched to one side. I looked down at her in thought. “Rory.”

I looked up at Alex. “Her name is Rory.”

“I love it!” he piped. “But what about a middle name?”

I rolled my eyes. Already I could forsee that rearing Rory would be difficult. Once again so many suppositons.

Alex could probably see the temporary Indignation spread across my face. “Blythe,” He decided. “Her middle name should be Blythe.”

I loved it. And I hoped one day when she was old enough she would grow to love it, as well. “Rory Blythe Chambers.” I smiled. “She sounds happy.” I said quietly. “Thats what I want her to be.”